another weekend in hell. drunk boy who loved me all those other days is back to hanging up when i called. i texted asking him if he's busy and an hour later he texted he's sleeping, but i heard voices in the room with him so he's not sleeping?
besides being a really bad liar, ...you know what, i don't care. my heart is already so broken and has been broken and re-broken so many times that i've really just given up on trying to be happy. i now cry up to 10 times a day, sometimes more, every day. i also fantasize about killing myself every day. i've had to text a suicide crisis line a few times.
how did i end up in this? i'm so disappointed with myself for being so stuck. 3 horrible years. i can't get out, i need help, meds, anything. he keeps coming back and i always eventually give in.
that boy must be so pleased with himself, saying he loves me and telling me he can't live without me and wants to make it work and then switching every weekend to i don't exist fuck off. makes you wonder.
just another weekend, like every weekend. i've been living this hell for so long i don't know how to exist any other way anymore. every single day i'm teetering on the edge of suicide, every single day spending what little energy i have left trying to NOT kill myself that day. does anyone care at all?
4:35 a.m. - 2016-10-23