depressed again for the same reason. the world is very bad and it looks like nazis are going to take over my country so i guess i need to leave if i want to live except i dont really care to live in a world like this. so fucking kill me then. have at it, i don't give a shit. grab my pussy, whatever else the fuck you dicks are into.
listening to the song the rapist "friend" liked. yeah yeah that OTHER horrible guy. if they could be just a tiny bit less horrible, like perhaps NOT SERIAL RAPISTS or COKE ADDICTS or NEO NAZIS that would be really great. really, what the fuck is wrong with men?
3:30 am, good time for tea... I decided to take a break from whiskey since it's just making me feel more depressed and i think maybe caffeine will help shake the sads, for awhile.
i wish i ever could just be allowed to relax and feel secure in any kind of relationship with a dickhead male. unfortunately they like instability, and as soon as i feel like i *might* be able to feel secure and loved for a fraction of a moment ---- then they pull a stunt. every. god. damn. time. like little children, constantly testing you, constantly needing everything from you but without the emotional maturity to help you in all the ways that you help and support them. and i dont even want to be seen with them in public and there are pretty good vibrators out there so i don't see what i need these idiots for. to make me feel like shit all the time? nah.
i'm pretty bored of it.
ok so how would i be able to change this. the first problem would be to remove the stressor of ...my entire country. best way would be to leave the country. i'll still worry constantly about everyone i leave behind, but at least i wont be personally threatened and learning a new place could be a change of scenery i need and a good distraction.
other things i could change, obviously, get the fuck away from guys and get a girlfriend or a really good vibrator and name it something cute. see there we go, solutions. i love female companionship and really really want to be surrounded by females more, in particular good friends. sooo i could be better at initiating social time. and maybe meet new people too. and get good at leadership like i was before, bringing people together and planning things with intention, and being generally amazing. i did it before, i can do it again, but the political climate im living in isnt conducive to anything positive.
so it seems like i've got to move..
i have several ideas of places, some more convenient/easy, others farther and more adventurous.
i wonder if i'll ever have a normal relationship i can actually enjoy, or one that i feel is worth the suffering...
3:23 a.m. - 2016-11-25