So my recent travel expedition, though interrupted by a brief friend conflict, ended up being kind of a major learning experience. Over the course of a week and a half, my friend K became super toxic, increasingly belittling me, giving me teenage-eye-rolls, saying unsupportive judgmental things, and being generally verbally aggressive. She was in her period so I brushed off the frequent put-downs for a few days and maintained my cheerful attitude. But after a few more days it was still happening and was really beginning to wear me down. I was so tired of shrinking smaller and quieter to make room for her obvious constant annoyance of my mere existence. She was like a hyena, ripping me apart for no reason at all. I worried for her mental health but moreso I'd had enough and just wanted to go home. I stayed in bed for almost 2 days with very little food, just so I could avoid her. Finally, she did one nice thing, sharing a few of her leftovers with me, and I covered my face with my hand and cried so hard I was gasping. "It's not your fault," she said impatiently, but clearly straining to be nice. It was obvious to me that she had no idea why I was crying. I also had no idea why she was being like this, so I confronted her about it (texting under a blanket while laying in the bed next to hers, cause girl is scary when she mad. But also because I wanted to be sure I was saying what I wanted to say as precisely and cautiously as possible.) So we did that and both had a productive resolution. Things slowly returned to normal after that although I'm still hurt and feeling cautious and distant and uncertain if this is just going to develop into a toxic frenemy situation, because if so, I should increase my distance. it was so discouraging, especially because i've been so supportive of her, and in our talk, she agreed that yes i had been very supportive of her. and discouraging because it feels like this theme has been happening more often with people close to me lately. i felt like the mature parent, talking her through something hard, being patient because maybe she needed to hear this. i felt like she sensed i was being the mature one. i really communicated clearly and well with her, and once all was said, she eased up on her bullying. We resolved the conflict and successfully saved a friendship.
This all made me realize that I should treat myself as carefully and gently as I was treating my friend. That I should focus not so much on whether or not she's gonna be my friend for life or not. What I need to do is shift the direction of my love beams away from others so i can reflect them onto myself and stop losing all my energy blasting all of it on others unless I'm getting it in return.
Human relationships are so complex, full of double the joy and double the pain. But I'm gonna make this about self improvement and be more loving to myself.
11:38 p.m. - 2018-01-20