I'm going to reframe a story in my head a different way, because it's also true, and is the version of the story that would be more helpful to me, instead of the boo-hooey version.
My new version is as follows: I conquered that boy. This is true and I did. He was a sexual conquest. After he showed interest I continued to show up because I knew he'd catch feelings and he sure did. Such a sensitive one, hiding behind a faked ego and persona. He wasn't right or he was right for the moment in time or it was a sort of destiny or it wasn't anything, who cares. He's just a notch on the bedpost I wanted, and that I got. I wanted him to learn and change, and he did, a little. He felt my impact on his life. He thinks of me still. And I understand his hurt ego, which is why I knew exactly how to hurt it when he hurt mine. As well as if he were myself. Which is why it would never have worked comfortably. There'd be no balance, because we both want to be us, but that would mean us both being the same, and getting nowhere with these egos. And seeing his ego was like looking in the mirror in a way I've never experienced. I don't know whether he saw that too, but he did mention something similar. I think it scared him too! But I'm more curious and fascinated by the intellectual motivations, where he lacks curiosity/intelligence. I've just never felt that a man could quite catch up to me there. One came close once, but he broke my heart so severely I've been a little crippled ever since, and changed, in good ways and bad. But my heart never fully 100% recovered from that particular hurt. Partly because he was so sociopathic I feel like he really didn't care at all on the inside, and just having to face that reality is nauseating, to know people like that exist, and you're the fool who fell for the act. It's a gross feeling, I already feel like I need a shower or two.
5:31 a.m. - 2018-02-03