well, still dealing with an available/unavailable man with erratic behavior for 5 years. everyone who cares about me has been waiting for me to get rid of him but it's hard when you're an introvert who takes a long time to feel comfortable with people. and it's hard to grasp how someone can act so in love one day and fall off the face of the earth the next. i wrestle with whether i should be patient and caring with what is clearly mental illness and not necessarily a personality issue, but at the same time, my life has suffered a lot because of the pretty constant stress of being loved, then not, then loved, then not, multiple times a week. 5 years is a long time to just walk away without a whole lot of hurt. we've separated for longer & longer increments. i traveled a full month without him and was fine, but reconnected as soon as i came back. i don't think i'll ever date a younger man again, if i ever break free from this one. i'm currently single again (i think?) till he changes his mind tomorrow or next week, but i'm trying so hard to change the cycle. i've embraced solitude, i've tried dating other people, i've tried physically removing myself from the entire country, but he'll say he's lonely or misses me or is sorry and i give in and kick myself for it every time because if i could just hold out for a full year i'd probably get over it and move on.
but i'll keep trying and one day maybe it'll stick or one of us will die or move on so i can have a good life again. since i'm trying to not to get too depressed right now i'm going to keep trying to do my gratitutde lists.
1. i'm grateful for marijuana. i'm pretty sure it's saved my life several times during this relationship & helped me to sleep off those times when otherwise i may have done something i regret.
2. i'm grateful that no matter how bad i feel, there always seems to be at least one person i can talk to who is caring and supportive.
3. i'm grateful that there are many things i'm good at when i have motivation.
i'm weary now but someday maybe my skin will grow thicker or i'll meet someone who treats me better and wants to love me for longer than 24 hr increments. its hard to pull myself out of sadness without support, and each time i try to break free i end up just being isolated and depressed. i used to think suicidal people were weak and even annoying. oh to be that blissfully unaware again. i used to be so happy. i can do it again then, right? (after years of feeling emotionally exhausted.)
i have to try. it hurts so bad and i'm completely alone and the depression only gets worse when i'm alone but this relationship has taken up all my resources and energy and health. i have to keep trying. it's even harder when i'm so embarrassed about it that no one knows & i defend him to my friends. but inside i know it's unhealthy and i fully blame myself for not being strong enough to escape. i'll need to make drastic changes if i'm ever going to be free of this nightmare. i'm going to go big because it's the only way out. i'm going to have to learn to fight and i'm going to have to shake this sadness so i can think straight enough to have an escape plan. thank god i don't live with him anymore. that was one giant step in the right direction. i'm getting there. it's time for spring cleaning. this is going to hurt a lot for a long time. bye 2018, i'm sacrificing myself to another year of grief but at least the next year might be better.
5:39 p.m. - 2018-03-05