Today I'm just grateful to be alive after the extreme physical pain I almost didn't survive this weekend. My choice to terminate a pregnancy of a child wasn't easy. Bringing a child into this world with an alcoholic selfish neglectful irresponsible father who already emotionally abuses its mother didn't seem like the responsible thing to do. It's one thing if I am mistreated, but as soon as that embryo was in me, I realized I'd never wish to put any other human, especially not a baby, in my position. No sane person could recommend putting a child through this. I had to make the smartest decision for all three of us and ensure my offspring would never suffer.
A few nights ago, while I was still pregnant, the father said if I needed anything to call him. So, later that night, feeling ill, I called him, but there was no response, because he had turned his phone off. He ignored me until exactly one hour before the planned procedure which we had both agreed on, then decided he wanted to keep it. ...
I explained to him, with the last remaining shred of my strength and patience, that if he can't handle one evening of putting someone else before himself, he wouldn't be able to handle being a parent.
I don't want to raise a child alone and I don't want a part time-whenever-he's-in-the-mood-to-be-a-dad kind of father. Maybe that's how it worked in his family, but that's not enough for a child, or for me.
I had to be smart. I broke down a few times at the weight of all this falling completely on me, without support from the person who should have been taking 50% responsibility. I'm disappointed, but obviously nothing I say will change who he is.
I had to seriously face myself and ask myself why on earth would I stay with a man-child who I wouldn't trust with my baby. Why would I do that to ME?
It's not easy to walk away from someone I thought I loved but I'd have to be blind not to see how much my life and health have deteriorated in this relationship. The embryo was counting on me to take care of myself. I've been failing myself long enough by waiting for someone to change who won't. If he refuses to change for me, I can't expect him to change for a child.
I may always feel a sense of loss from this, but I look at it as an experience that revealed that I need to look out for myself with the same passion I have for looking out for others. I have a second chance. The painful and scary exorcism I endured this weekend was a rebirth.
I don't think I can ever look at a relationship in the same way again. Sex isn't enough anymore. Love requires much more than that. I need to be vigilant in protecting my heart and body from harm, because most men are only looking for a convenient orgasm and aren't looking out for my best interest with empathy or emotional maturity.
My womb is closed and recovering for the next 30 days and I hope this will be enough time to heal emotionally as well. I'm rooting for myself. I'm being kinder to myself. And I'm doing everything in my power to ensure this won't happen again.
I have a quote on my desktop with my new mantra:
"You can start now. You can start being the person you always wanted to be."
1:32 p.m. - 2018-03-26