I dreamed I was having BAD SEX with my biggest high school crush -- and pretending to enjoy it.
We were kissing for a long time which I felt neutral about. Then we were going to have sex and he was nervously fumbling with a condom so I performed fellatio to subdue him. (Fellatio is the fanciest way to put it. I never use that word. Does anyone?)
Anyway, his penis was so gross I had to go to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out and spit in the toilet, which almost overflowed because chunks of rice from his penis were coming out of my mouth? (Dreams are weird.)
Also in my dream i'd decided to be natural and neither pluck nor shave. I'd grown a pretty magnificent wiry beard-sideburn thing. I had darker hairier-hair than in real life but everyone still thought I was cool. I was a little shy about it but adapted by acting more confident than I was. It made me extra hipster, or something. I was embracing my inner "They." ("They" still sounds so grammatically wrong to me.)
I wondered if I was still fuckable and made casual jokes about it that were met with unanimous reassurance. But I didn't worry enough to shave. I felt like a badass for being the only female brave enough to rock a beard. And the crush I was having sex with didn't seem to mind. He seemed too insecure about his own body to care about mine, and we were having sex, so I guess he wanted me. But I wasn't enjoying it at all. I was faking it, and continuing, even though I was repulsed by his dick. The dick of the epitome of male crushes!
I googled dream meanings but everything assumes sex dreams are good dreams. *eyeroll*
I think it means I'm disappointed in men (now, compared with how I felt about men in my teens.) I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I forced myself to have sex with men who disgusted me on many levels, out of boredom, or just to have physical contact with a warm human. I've put up with so much for so little in return. I'm only just recently realizing that it's been a choice all along and I don't actually need sex at all.
I'm attracted to women and men, but presently I don't feel a desire to be physical with anyone. I don't even have a crush. I feel like it wouldn't be a bad thing if I could avoid sex the rest of my life. It would be a relief.
I used to enjoy sex, but the idea doesn't do much for me anymore. I masterbate once in awhile and feel satisfied. Or have actual sex once per month or once per season and feel content. I think this evolved from a combination of repeated traumas, frequent street harrassment, the patriarchy, fear of disease/pregnancy, general sexual burnout, and maybe age to a lesser extent. I've lived all my crazy fantasies and I don't regret the experiences but learned that sex is more drama than it's worth. I've had enough chaos to last a lifetime.
Now I'm just content to sit quietly alone in peace with a book and a cup of coffee, cuddling with pets, and conversing with friends who understand me. I am protective of this peaceful life where no one tells me what I can or can't do, where I am no one's possession, where I rarely worry or cry or feel unfulfilled. I almost never feel lonely now compared to how I felt when I was someone's regular sexual partner. I feel like my time belongs to me, and I'm very protective of that. And, like magic, I have almost zero anxiety now!
Throughout my sexual life I most feared being left alone. Now I'm alone by choice and wishing I'd made that choice so much sooner. I think all along I was an introvert depriving myself of the solitude I secretly craved and needed. It's nice to be back in my own company again. I can hear my own thoughts clearly. My emotions are calm and consistent. I have no stress. This is what freedom feels like.
9:48 a.m. - 2019-03-16