I really miss the feeling of passion. Of feeling like I'm having sex because I am AMAZED by someone. (Instead of forcing myself to have sex to relieve tension or because I feel like we should.)
I miss the feeling of trust. I miss the feeling of romantic gestures. I miss feeling over the moon, giddy, dreamy. I miss feeling cared for by the person I fuck. I miss soulful connection. I swear I'm beginning to believe men are missing a large portion of soul.
I miss loving someone's soul as much as I love their body.
I miss the little intimate moments like painting each other's toes or hugging in the bath.
I really miss the early stages of the relationship, when my mere existence made your whole face light up. I guess my magic has faded for you. Or it's just over and no one's fault. It ran its course. It's not like I was having any fun in it anymore anyway. But wow is it hard to let go of something my heart just refuses to forget. In a year I'll be over it. A year of pain. Or maybe this one will heal faster. Or slower.
Everything is so, so sad. I can't even pretend anymore. I'd really like to knock it off and see the bright side but it's too early to do that. I need to feel my feelings first.
I miss wanting to spend every second with someone. I miss laughing at their jokes and stories. I miss not feeling like I'm either suffocated or abandoned. I miss being able to relax and love at the same time.
This repetitive trauma I've willingly participated in but feel little control over... I wonder if it's changed me for the worse. I wonder if I've cemented the habit of this cycle of abuse to be normalized, so that I can never connect to the unfamiliarly better. I want so much to be able to say, 'oh haha i remember how sad i used to be. i never feel like that anymore!' i know the only way i'll have a CHANCE of feeling that way is if I 100% end this relationship. Why is it so hard? He's the absolute worst! How can I love someone like that?! It makes me disgusted with myself to have participated in this nightmare for so long.
9:30 a.m. - 2019-08-07