woke up crying again. put an edible in my mouth and sucked down my anti-anxiety strain and chased with coffee for the heartbreak plus grief from the mass shooting. the senile cat shrieks repeatedly at the pathetic scene. i should be better by now.
maybe if i'd had an emotional outburst, or like a visible mood, i'd understand. but i know better than that. i know i can never cry or he'll storm out the door or disappear for days or weeks ignoring my calls... but then, he always does that anyway. am i with a sociopath? if there was no fight to cause any reason for this he's probably cheating right? or is alcoholism the kind of disease where a man declines sex when you finally want it?
he's working again at a job he had previously quit, and he treated me really bad last time he worked there too. the place has a reputation for douchery, so maybe he's just very easily influenced and desperate to fit in. or maybe he really can't handle the stress there and it makes him 100% unable to see me. or maybe he's having sex with someone there, or wants to. or maybe he just really doesn't care about me every couple weeks or as often as he ghosts unpredictably always followed by a "sorry" when he wants sex.
the outcome is shitty regardless. boy's not even trying. i don't get how he acts SO affectionate when he's with me but then seems to look for reasons to vanish for a few days at a time. i wish he could just express whatever it is so that i can stop feeling like i'm drowning in the hostility of the world.
and here i am wasting my time going in mental circles trying to figure out a boy who isn't even worth it. a boy i love but shouldn't but do and can't wrap my own head around how i can still love someone who treats me like i'm absolutely worthless.
8:59 a.m. - 2019-08-07