I woke up thinking about how it felt to be ready and packed at 7 am with itinerary ready, car ready, pets already with the sitter who took the day off work for this. How I waited for a response to my text until after 3 pm when I finally received an "I forgot." How it felt to cancel with 7 people individually because of this one person's carelessness. How I wasted 3 days to prepare. My reaction and feelings were warranted.
I feel bad for trusting someone who ended up letting down not just me, but 7 of my lifelong friends -- half of whom are grieving from a tragedy that unites us. I think that's the part that makes me angriest. When a friend is rude with my other friends, or disrespectful of them (or disrespectful of their time), I find that I lose respect for that person.
I try to find excuses for the person, but I come up short when I realize how she made it all about her and then accused me of making it all about me. a) That's not taking responsibility for her mistake and b) when I need to flake, I let the person know as early as possible. I don't make them wait all day for a reply. Especially if 7 other people are waiting too. I'm often running late, but I have integrity, and enough respect for others to give people a heads up if anything changes or doesn't feel right. I have problems too, but I still have respect for others.
I've encountered a lot of narcissists in the city and far fewer of the caring types I was spoiled with in the country. My aquarius descendant is surprising those who think I'm infinitely forgiving, because no matter how much I love, my rational mind just won't tolerate injustice. My anger was communicated. But now my anger is silent and communication undesirable, meaning I've already quit.
She said some juvenile things after we half-assedly "resolved" it. Like how it's time for her to move states again. Then wanting to return some things I gave her in exchange for something she left in my car a month ago.
This has been my state since I was born. I'm not going to run away because one person disappointed me, because a lifetime of my contacts are here. I don't care if some of them are exes I'd rather not bump into. I don't care if I have to share a town with one friend I don't talk to anymore. I am a rooted tree. I am grounded.
I get that she has struggles and feelings and challenges but those are hers and not mine. I have my own.
Friend, I love you I love you I love you, but I have a scorpio's tail, and my tolerance has worn thin. I'm sorry if I never again give you the selfless giving friendship you once enjoyed. I'm sorry if you never again find someone who understands you as much as I do. We had a good run. I'm just glad I didn't lose money on reservations too, and I know exactly why I didn't take that risk. I learned my lesson and won't fall for that again.
I see that I connect with people in order to repeat family patterns. My mom often forgot to pick me up from school and I'd be sitting outside on the grass until the sun was setting before someone remembered me. It was never for any particular reason. My mom was just sitting at home the whole time feeling sorry for herself. It was embarrassing to be the very last kid alone on the grass, the yard duty shaking her head that someone would leave a young girl by herself like that.
I tried too hard then too. I was in all the honors classes even though my parents discouraged college, even though most people at my school dropped out and had kids. I hid in books and didn't do any bad kid stuff. Going to jail was my brother's domain. I didn't even drink. I was too busy preparing to escape, to see if I could find others like me in a more sophisticated place. Instead I put myself with the same unreliable flakes who prevent my journey.
I'm always trying to improve, trying to get somewhere, and I keep making the mistake of trying to do that collaboratively with dead weights attached to me. If you want a thing done right you have to do it yourself, my grandma said. I need to learn to go alone. To achieve alone. Alone alone alone. It's not safe to be a woman alone, but if I want to get anywhere, I'm going to have to be brave enough to risk harassment/rape/murder and be independent. So, I've been tirelessly searching for a neighborhood or town safe enough for me to do that. Basically, somewhere where I can be free from everything that keeps me imprisoned. Even if it means giving up people and places I love. Even if it means I have to drive an hour to visit my friends.
10:12 a.m. - 2019-08-30