Have you ever had to text your on/off ex trying to get a response about a diagnosis for an infection on his penis that he obviously gave to you so that you can know which kind of appointment to make tomorrow?
I have!
It's ridiculous to realize I was actually having sex with someone for 6 years who cares so little about my health that he can't give more than a one word reply of "sorry" when you just want to know what the doctor diagnosed him with??
I just...
How hard would it be to just text what the doctor said? He could simply block me afterward if he's so scared of getting an angry text back. Or ignore me like he always does, like now. I waited ALL DAY for some evidence that he's even mature enough to be having sex at all.
I don't want to spend time and money on extra tests if it's unnecessary. For example, if he knows he has trich, I can make an appointment for just that, get drugs, and be fixed by the weekend. Bam, done. It could be so easy.
BUT OF COURSE HE CAN'T JUST LET ME KNOW BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT TOMORROW BECAUSE HE'S THE WORST PERSON IN THE ACTUAL UNIVERSE.
Sidenote, did you know his alcoholic dad killed his mom? He gave her aids. Because he was too drunk to be a home with his kids but he had lots of time to fuck random prostitutes, and bring aids home to his wife. Nice one bro!
I can't believe my life became like this.
Okay well. Obviously he doesn't give a shit about me. I'm going to cry myself to sleep then. Again. And I guess spend a bunch of money getting tested for EVERYTHING all over again because asswipe can't communicate.
Well. Not the best way to end the day. Handful of edibles into my stomach. I'll have to figure this out all alone tomorrow, like always. I hate this. I hate him. So much. I can't even cry. There are no tears left. Just a feeling of years of rage being pushed down so many times that it turned into a state of hopeless depression.
I'd blame myself for staying like women are supposed to, blame ourselves so men don't have to take responsibility for their actions. Except I know why I didn't leave. Probably because every time I leave he threatens to kill himself! And as a person who lost too many friends and family to suicide, I take threats like that seriously. Yet in all likelihood, motherfucker does it absolutely on purpose, as a manipulative emotional abuse tactic. (But then again, how can I know for sure? I don't want someone's death on my conscience. So I stay! Or pretend to.)
It's a very good thing marijuana is legal here, because no human should contain this much pain and trauma and abuse. I am VERY VERY TIRED. I am in some uncharted territory now, far beyond anger. Just knowing that so many men seem to base their existence on torturing women and blaming them for it. And that this is who I've relied on for "love." They don't know what love is.
And now I'm trying to navigate a new romance with a different alcoholic who may or may not be any better but I'm trying to have hope, against all odds, just because he makes me feel good, and it takes away the pain. I'm TERRIFIED. Because I like him. It's weird because I hate men. But maybe he's a little bit okay. Or the lesser of two evils, at least for now. But what if I get stuck with him forever and he pisses me off until my last breath.
I don't want the bad men I've known to ruin it for me though. It would be like letting them win if I let fear ruin potentially happy relationships. I'd really love to break through the walls that keep men stuck.
There may be something to poly relationships. Like, what if I had someone only when I really need it. Then I wouldn't feel jealous, and could be productively alone the rest of the month and nurture awesome friendships. I don't think my new guy would be into that. But maybe he would. I don't even know if I am. See? I'm off to a great start. At least I'm asking these questions at the start this time.
Well, I need to wake up early for my appointment, so. If I die of aids, at least you won't have to read entries like this anymore!
10:22 p.m. - 2019-11-11