He texted at 8 am, so I figured he could be my hiking buddy. Long story short, we had to go back home early because, surprise, he was hungover and I had to pull over off a busy road so he could vomit next to my car. He said he drank "a couple beers" last night. The vomit on his breath and emanating from his body smelled disgusting.
"I'm thirsty" he said, so I drove him to get water. I waited in the car, observing the forehead wrinkle in my reflection, imagining the crease will be permanent if I keep making this face another few years. I imagined myself older, aged by stress, martyred to the meaningless cause of a man's alcoholism.
I don't want to watch him die of alcoholism. We haven't had sex in ages because his dick won't heal from infection at the rate he drinks. Now his diabetes is worse and he lost a scary amount of weight. It's killing me to watch his downward spiral. I quietly drove him back home, debating whether to tell him I'm over it, or if I should ghost him, or block him, or change my number. How will I abandon someone so fragile? He'll be self destructive. He'll drink himself to death. I'll have to live with that weight on my conscience forever.
On the way to the woods he sang, "tu y yo, ya nos pertenecemos, por una eternidad."
Each time he said eternidad (eternity) he turned his head toward me.
All weekend he texted I love yous and all day he said how beautiful I look. Every time he reached for my hand I pulled away. His hands were dirty and he kept holding me too close so it was difficult to walk. So I walked ahead of him and he threw himself at me while I was trying to eat, and accidentally shoved his dirty hand into my food.
At least we got home without a fight. At least I felt the sun on my skin. Trees comfort me. I stare up at them in amazement. The tiny flies dancing in the sunbeams looked like magic. I'm strong and I know I'll be okay.
Today's affirmation:
I am able to practice self care even when loved ones don't.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
Giving people repeated chances to disappoint me, and rescuing lovers who won't rescue themselves.
I am grateful for:
Nature, exercise, and that I don't put myself through hangovers anymore.
The person I am becoming will experience more:
Fulfillment.
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
Take care of myself.
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
Strong.
5:04 p.m. - 2020-02-17