I wish more people here were able to place higher value on experiencing a meaningful life than on a 9-5 job to make their bosses rich. Most workaholics are anxiously avoiding themselves because stillness would cause them to face inner work, but instead they chase an endless loop of fleeting dopamine rewards on their little hamster treadmills. Compulsive extroverts are about the same but they use humans as drugs. Men use women as drugs. Apparently male rats suffer more health risks from loneliness than females do. I feel like men are needy toddlers tugging at my skirt, like little boys at the grocery store constantly trying to get mom's attention. "MOM. MOM LOOKIT. MOM! LOOK AT ME.."
I had a dream he paid prostitutes to suck his yeasty dick and had a dead look in his eyes like he wasn't even enjoying it. I wasn't jealous -- I pitied him, the way I feel about most men, like he lacks soul depth so all he has in life is what he can borrow from women. I faked outrage, dumped him, and went for a walk. I was in some Eastern Mediterranean city and there was a major festival with various offerings to the Goddess in giant piles on big altars, every few blocks. The sun was about to set and excitement was in the air. "Imma!" a curly-haired teenage girl called her mom as they walked together. I was carrying my cat like a baby as I walked.
I woke up thinking how a major reason I don't want kids is that mothers aren't valued for creating humanity. They sacrifice their bodies and lives, but aren't respected for performing impossible miracles while half the world makes their lives as restricted and hard as possible, even expecting them to bow to a "He" who "created" humanity (in what womb?), which only became normalized because of a rando king in 7th century BCE who was mad at a priestess because her prophecy about him was correct. So he had them all burned alive and banned the Goddess, and we've been like this ever since, killing women, killing the earth...
Anyways. The other drunk is in town next week and wants to meet for lunch and I'm already looking for an excuse to cancel. Sober guy keeps texting even though I'm ignoring him. Main Alcoholic, same. Anyone looking for a man? I have some I'd like to be rid of.
Happy memory:
That one womens festival... The joy of being entirely immersed in a celebration of women. (Of course a man's penis is the reason it shut down.) But before that, the communal feminine energy was beyond inspiring.
Today's affirmation:
I attract those who elevate and inspire me.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
giving people repeated chances to disappoint me and then complaining about it as if I didn't permit myself to interact with them.
I am grateful for:
Beautiful metals and jewelry. Velvet. My urban sanctuary.
The person I am becoming will experience more:
physical health
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
drink more water!
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
proud at how far I've come, and I hope the people around me can join me.
7:51 a.m. - 2020-02-29