I am thinking too much this morning. My mind is trying to sort out why I still don't feel lonely in the sense of needing human contact, but lonely in the sense that there is a shortage of like-minded people in my life to want contact with.
I have people to make dumb jokes with, which is fine. I have drunks I could drink with and men who want photos for free so they can jack off. I have female friends who want to talk about sex all the time, and very little else.
What I do not have, is anyone educated and gentle to obsess over ancient art with, or ooh and ah over the subtleties of music written thousands of years ago, or to talk about books we're reading. My problem is a very specific and unrelatable one that probably makes me sound like a pretentious bore, but these are the very things that give life to my soul. The people around me make my soul feel ancient, and tired, like a mother cat with a lot of hyper kittens.
I don't bother sharing anything with friends, to the point where my greatest passions in life are secrets. No one knows about my interests. The few times I've shared the most basic detail with people, they seem lost or confused or, if they're male and uneducated, they try to argue with me about factual events that historians aren't even debating, because a woman knowing anything sparks their insecurity.
Even I think it's weird that when I share my activities on social media, I keep it very elementary. I share what I cooked, which is all I think anyone can handle. Is it mean that I feel that way? I think I should share more of my real self. But I don't want to open the floodgates for argument, and men seem particularly interested in reacting emotionally to darn near anything I say. And I don't want to offend or impose anything on anyone. Sigh. I just wanna be me.
Happy memories:
dusk on halloween when i was a kid
Today's affirmation:
I can ignore emotionally immature men to protect my energy because I deserve happiness
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
dwelling on the behavior of others
I am grateful for:
I'm grateful I have everything I need.
The person I am becoming will experience more:
unshakeable inner calm
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
do yoga and continue to create in my mystical bedwomb
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like i have saved my own life
9:46 a.m. - 2020-04-20