I'm the kind of person who can't relax until everyone else is taken care of, and emotionally secure. Since I'm quarantining solo, I've transferred my usual caregiving pattern onto myself. Because of that I'm now the healthiest I've ever been, and more mentally stable than all the times I put others needs ahead of my own without any clear boundaries.
When I was a kid I had to be the adult emotionally. I developed emotional maturity very young -- too young! Because my mom was mentally ill, and she made it my role and responsibility to be her therapist, and her emotional parent. Yes it was backward, backward that I was always the one to encourage both parents to mend bridges in various situations, and encouraged both my grandfather and father to stop denying their culture and be proud. I was really good at it. The elders listened to me. I had a lot of clarity and wisdom for a little girl. I had to be my own parent, emotionally. I did not have the kind of parents I could run crying to when someone died or the world was scary. I had to nurture myself, and those around me who didn't know how to nurture themselves or others. It was a lot of responsibility.
Unfair as it was, the skill I developed early on is very helpful to me now. It's triggering watching other people's mental health decline, but I've learned healthy boundaries now. I recognize that these are not my problems to bear. I've learned to be better at taking care of myself first. I'm very alone, yet not lonely. I feel finally free.
Happy memories:
forest
Today's affirmation:
I can protect my energy because I deserve happiness--YES even and ESPECIALLY in a pandemic
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
dwelling on the mantrums
I am grateful for:
I was grateful when I lived in the projects, and I'm grateful now.
The person I am becoming will experience more:
unshakeable inner calm and strength - never reactivity - even if the whole world is at war with themselves
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
do yoga and continue to create in my mystical bedwomb
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
intensely grateful. like i have saved my own life
9:22 a.m. - 2020-04-21