Still a little sad about my disappeared mom and about a couple "friends" who decided it was a good time to be sociopathically competitive over the pettiest things, or attempting to scapegoat me just because I'm not publicly dramatic about the things I have to contend with, because I need to stay focused on my health, which they should also be doing, instead of looking for someone to blame for their unhappiness, and ignorantly attacking their strongest ally in times like these. Sorry for not giving up, not pitying myself, not complaining endlessly? Sorry for trying to be healthy despite obstacles?
I know I've repeated family patterns by befriending addicts and unstable/unpredictable people and that is my fault. I can't even take it personally. But that doesn't mean it's easy to accept.
Anyways. The whole point is that I don't want to dwell on thoughts that harm. I want to prove to myself that I can continue to be healthy, even if the whole damn world insists I fail along with them. I won't waste anymore tears on people who never had my best interest in mind to begin with. It is clearly apparent that I have a choice in how I react, because that is what differentiates me from an insane person. Let's hope I can remain safely outside that category and don't permit myself to be dragged back into the darkness, even if the road to health is lonely and lined with challenges and the only one cheering me on is myself.
Note to self: Don't let anyone hold you back anymore. No one else will tell you this, so I will: You worked so hard and made so much progress. And you did it all by yourself, even when loved ones were actively working against your recovery! That takes enormous strength of mind. You got this. Deep breath. Let go of all that doesn't serve you anymore. You may feel that everyone has failed you, that no one is looking out for you, that people you trusted have betrayed you. Don't worry about them, they're fighting their own battles. Don't look backward. You are above drama. You may be tempted to betray yourself and slip back into the comfort of depression. But you have moved past self-inflicted suffering into the next chapter called healing. Everything will be okay.
Happy memories:
forest
Today's affirmation:
I can protect my energy because I deserve health
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
dwelling on the mantrums
I am grateful for:
growth
The person I am becoming will experience more:
unshakeable inner calm and strength - never reactivity - even if the whole world is at war with themselves
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
continue to do yoga and create and meditate and journal and eat well
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
intensely grateful. like i have saved my own life
8:08 a.m. - 2020-04-24