Hello.
The Alcoholic said he'd come back in the eve but I'm tired of waiting so I muted my phone. I took a couple weak edibles and did my friday ritual with candles and wine (for religious purposes.)
I had a nice long day in the sun yesterday so I am fine with having the rest of the weekend alone and indoors. Tomorrow I can clean all the boy germs off everything and make nice things to eat, and indulge in silence, cleanliness, music, reading, and self care. I need a good long break from people again. I don't like being around them for more than a few hours at a time anymore, and then I really appreciate weeks and weeks of solitude, when I can have long expanses of peace, and prioritize self care without interruption or unwanted triggers. It was fun to laugh and goof around for a few days. Now time to get back to myself. The boy has to go back to work tomorrow anyway so no worries. I look forward to getting back into my solo groove.
Sometimes I think of moving somewhere remote and silent where I can be left alone more often. But I am so used to my routine and living in the city gives me lots of options. The thought of moving all my stuff just doesn't sound appealing. Plus, part of me likes being in the middle of everything. Even if it drives me INSANE sometimes. I never feel alone here, maybe because I'm surrounded by tons of neighbors everywhere. My next door neighbor lives alone. My neighbor downstairs lives alone. So it doesn't really feel lonely. Also, there are always hundreds of witnesses wherever I go, in case something bad happens. The forest at night, by contrast, sometimes feel vulnerable and I have spooked myself at times when alone at night there. I LOVE it though. The epic silence. The incredible beauty. But here I'm just a number, anonymous, and I like that. Even in the city I get noticed too much for my liking, so you can imagine how it is in rural places. I'd be invisible if I could, but I stand out like a passionflower in a cornfield.
That doesn't even make sense but for whatever reason that is the first image that came to mind. Have you seen a passionflower? They're ridiculous. They don't even make sense. But sometimes people get fanatic about ridiculous things that don't make sense, and want to cut them and take them home and confine them to a vase. Where am I going with this even?
There are so many sirens tonight. I am not a fan of those. I always worry about what emergency happened, especially when I hear a whole team of sirens screaming past.
I have many more words to say tonight than I thought I did. I should use this energy to do something creative. Maybe I'll play around with some music. I hope the Alcoholic doesn't bother calling because then I'll feel obligated to answer and be like sure, we can have dinner together. And then I have to share my territory again. And interrupt my flow.
Happy memories:
floating in the dead sea, palestinians smiling at me. the wonder and awe i felt, scanning the desert.
Today's affirmation:
Whatever will be, will be.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
news. fuck the news.
I am grateful for:
the sweet smelling candles, just for me
The person I am becoming will experience more:
calm awareness of reality and ability to go directly through it and laugh, without fear, without anger, without blame, without ego.
I accomplished:
meditated, journaled, read the news without a breakdown but I did shed a few tears
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
model mature behavior.
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like my inner peace is well earned.
9:02 p.m. - 2020-07-10