I offered the Alcoholic a free place to stay including free food, because it worried me so much when he went to the hospital for food poisoning, even though it was only a few hours. So I told him if he wanted to stay here to ride out the pandemic awhile without working, he could, as long as we made every effort to be harmonious and healthy. I made it very clear that if he chose to stay here, he'd need to be considerate of my routines because I live in a small studio. (What could possibly go wrong.)
I made the error of waking up to make kava tea to go back to sleep after his loud snoring woke me up at 4 am. Big mistake! I laid down on the floor waiting for water to boil and he was already agitated because that woke HIM up. Lol. I was pretty out of it but I said something like 'sorry for waking up to make tea in my own house. You were snoring really loud and I need to wait 15 minutes for my noise canceling headphones to recharge so I can go back to sleep.'
Wow he didn't like that at all. He jumped up all angry and started stomping and banging around and headed toward the door scowling because I woke HIM up. He started blaming me for all his problems, while I was naked, pouring my tea into a cup, trying to stay calm. I reminded him that I was trying to help him. I felt he was acting pretty entitled and demanding considering that I am letting him stay in my house for free and eat all my food and take all my time and space (and he expects sex on top of all that.) He angrily told me "YOU NEED HELP!" I reminded him that I got help. I'm sure I sounded self righteous when I said I quit alcohol and weed and meditated twice before bed. That angered him more and he hurled more insults at me about how awful I am in every way. (Just a few hours earlier he told me I was perfect, mind and body. What a dramatic switch.) "Aren't I the last person still talking to you?" I dared to say, subtly suggesting how his anger issues have resulted in the loss of all of his friends. He raised his arms like he was about to rip my art off the wall and tear my house down but he thankfully stopped himself. When he was finished berating me I told him he might benefit from his own advice and told him he's entitled and ungrateful of my generosity and un-self-aware. "I don't need you. I know you're using me" I said, "I just didn't want you to die." He slammed my curtains in the door and left.
A few seconds later I heard a knock so I opened the door again like an idiot. He started yapping and I was like 'can we talk inside to be considerate of my neighbors?' He came inside, but then stopped talking? And just blocked the door making me uncomfortable as I held my tea sitting on the floor on the other side of the room, awaiting some sort of apology, or even a thank you, or any kind of acknowledgment of my (obviously failed) attempt to help him, which took a lot of guts and patience on my part. But all he did was scowl like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum.
I always worry he's going to destroy my apartment or hurt or kill me when he's angry. So I asked him what time the bus starts running because I'm tired of feeling unsafe and uncomfortable. That question also pissed him off and he left and slammed the door.
Then he texted "I hope you die. Tell my family I die happy."
He threatens suicide every time he's mad at me. I don't believe it anymore, I just see it as emotional abuse. I texted back: "Your bad decisions are not my responsibility." All of that just to charge my headphones and make tea for 15 minutes in my own home! Men are so wild. Jesus Christ, what do I get out of any of this? How does a man enrich my life in any way? I wanted a man, not a child. Men are so lame and pointless. Enough already, we get it, you're terrible, you win the contest, just stop.
Now I am of course kicking myself for buying a refrigerator full of food for him, and that my toilet paper reserves were drastically reduced during his stay. But I did what I thought was right, and I did it out of love, so I can't blame myself for trying to do the right thing.
I tried my best. It didn't work out. Life goes on. I at least had someone to go outside with a couple times. At least the drama makes me grateful to have my safe peaceful sanctuary back. I have a space where I don't need to endure anger or bullying or fear. I can cry if I want to. I can walk around naked without my ass being spanked or grabbed. Speaking of which, I realized last night that I'd rather masterbate with myself than have sex with him. Sometimes I wait for him to go to sleep, so that I can orgasm alone without being slapped around like his sex doll. I'm tired of the supposedly feminine sex role. It's not enjoyable for me anymore. I'd rather just not fuck at all anymore. Well, wish granted.
It was hard to get out of bed today but my cat was being way more affectionate than usual so that helped. I know the drill, I've been here so many times. I'll make a fresh dose of natural antidepressants, do some yoga, be extra gentle with myself, meditate a little more than usual, drink more coffee, and find the courage to laugh or do something creative. I am strong and resilient. I don't need to be held back by undeserved guilt that others try to pin on me when I try to help. I think I am done helping anyone for awhile. They're adults. I am not everyone's savior. It is time to re-center myself and focus on caring for myself and myself alone. I'm the only one I've ever been able to rely on anyway. If I stop wasting all my precious energy on solving everyone else's self-created problems, imagine how much more amazing I could be, using all that love energy just for myself, yes? Onward.
Happy memories:
running through sprinklers on my childhood friend's lawn in the sunlight
Today's affirmation:
I am not responsible for the bad choices or moods of anyone other than myself.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
letting the alcoholic make me feel bad for NOT playing mommy because I AM NOT HIS MOMMY AND HE IS A GROWN ASS ADULT
I am grateful for:
meditation, yoga, peace, quiet, sanctuary, safety, calm, solitude, coffee, my strong heart and strong mind
The person I am becoming will experience more:
resilience always
I accomplished:
meditated, journaled, stood up for myself
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
love myself harder
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
safer alone
11:17 a.m. - 2020-07-21