Well. He's still ... always moody. Pretty much all day today. I went to pick up some items - which he doesn't even need to pay for because I'm sharing all my resources - and he became unnecessarily angry at an employee who didn't do anything wrong, and sort of blew up and it startled me because, well, nothing was wrong and I like it that way... The only problem was his temper.
So I drove back through some nature, hoping it would cheer him up. It didn't.
Driving home I saw lots of tents of homeless people. I wondered if he realizes he'd be there too if I hadn't agreed to shelter him. Honestly, everything sucks since he moved in. I do my best to stay lighthearted around him but it always feels like walking on eggshells and I feel so stupid for taking pity on him.
I could have just blocked him. I could have just not answered the phone. I could have ignored him and stayed happy and felt safe and made art and had freedom to live in my own house. Coulda shoulda woulda.
I miss focusing on myself. I've had nightmares all week. I am at the point where I am considering paying him to leave. I never should have agreed to this because now I am afraid to tell him to leave because he might freak out and trash my house or get violent. Fun statistic: The most dangerous place for women is their own house. The greatest threat to their life: Men.
Happy memories:
being alone
Today's affirmation:
I don't need to tolerate suffering that isn't mine. I don't need to save men from the consequences of their own actions.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
suffering from the consequences of others actions
I am grateful for:
knowing that I can thrive alone
The person I am becoming will experience more:
sanity-saving boundaries, even if it requires a ruthless "no"
I accomplished:
meditated, journaled, went out
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
figure out a way to dump the leech without putting myself in danger
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like it'll feel so good to be alone and free again.
10:10 p.m. - 2020-08-18