its so weird how much more tired i am and how much more lonely i feel when i'm not alone. i no longer feel like i can relate to anyone who complains of feeling lonely. they're seriously lonely with themselves? lonely with peaceful sanctuary and glorious solitude? lonely with freedom and safety? at least whatever is wrong with me makes it really pleasant to spend time with myself. maybe six months wasn't long enough for me to feel lonely. maybe if i tried a bit longer?
i kind of want to move so that i can get away from people full-time, but having a security guard in my building makes me feel safe as a woman, and living in the city makes me feel secure that i will receive top quality services if, for example, i need medical care. my mom always lamented about leaving the city, and i think it may have contributed to her mental downfall. doing the opposite of every choice my mom made has always benefitted me, so i stay here.
i'm starting to think i have high functioning autism, partly because of my extreme aversion to noise, my preference for being alone, my desire to have things on my shelves in a certain order, my specific interests and educational obsessions, and my strong aversion to the emotional moods of others which make me so uncomfortable and anxious. also because of the way i am constantly surprised when i am taken advantage of, like i never seem able to grasp why people would want to harm each other knowingly. i also feel like the only sober person in a crowd full of drunks in most situations. people seem so oblivious and incurious of things that are so clear to me. it baffles me. are there really that many stupid people? am i really smart or is it a cognitive illusion and others think the same way about me?
the neighbor is yelling on the phone very loudly and construction is buzzing outside. i wonder if i would feel more lonely if i lived in a quiet place with no neighbors around. probably. even when i'm alone here, i feel like i spend all my energy trying to tune out people with noise canceling headphones and endless meditation. even when i'm alone i'm trying to get away from people. ha.
1:13 p.m. - 2020-08-17