After he left I dropped in exhaustion accumulated from the month and napped. When I woke up I started crying because I needed a release of all the suppressed emotions. He was here every day for like two months after all.
Anyway I was looking at my phone and noticed that his phone number changed six times since 2019. Probably more than that because I deleted several. Kind of a lot?
They say if you drive yourself crazy you have neuroses, but if you drive everyone else crazy you have a personality disorder.
I'm so tired.
Now I need to rapidly adapt to being alone again and pick myself up and tend to my wounds. I don't feel as strong as I did at the start of pandemic but the last couple months were stressful so it's to be expected. I can get back into good habits and into the comfort of solitude again, but it might take a day or several to recuperate. I'll be extra easy on myself and let myself feel all the necessary feelings. He'll probably re-emerge as soon as I'm feeling healthy again. I still have all his stuff so, he can come back any time if he gets tested and then he can irritate me all over again. :-) Okay maybe I don't really want that. I don't need to be thinking about this right now. I need to focus on me for awhile.
I'm going to start with a bath and a reading session and maybe listen to lots of music after that. I could order weed to get through the hump, if I can limit consumption to once per week at most. I'm giving myself till Friday to just fuck off before I get my head back on straight. Weed sounds really, really, really good right now.
5:43 p.m. - 2020-08-19