I have feelings which I am currently trying to avoid by researching ancient shipwrecks.
I made myself a real breakfast today for the first time in awhile. Baby steps. I'm picking up the pieces of the boy storm that passed through my home. I feel a little nauseous. Not sure if it's because I've barely eaten the past few days or if it's because my body knows I'm upset and worried and sad and scared even if my brain prefers to think about ancient shipwrecks rather than relationship trainwrecks.
Aren't I witty.
I hate everything right now so it's gratitude time. I am thankful for... food, fresh fruit, hot drinks, blanket, history, archaeology, animals, trees, birds, lizards, snakes, dreams, inner strength, sleep, clean dishes, silence, music.
I'd love it if nothing were horribly wrong, like if the person I thought I loved wasn't homeless now, and if I didn't need to worry about him leaving the country in which case I may never see him again, although, that might not be a terrible thing at all... But I'd still mourn. It'd be such a relief if he could figure a way out on his own because I feel that I have helped all that I can and he feels like a lost cause. And that of course kills me. I'll just add it to my giant pile of traumatic disappointments. Oh well. Life is an adventure?
12:13 p.m. - 2020-08-26