Four hours later and still no sign of him. So I am currently worried about three homeless loved ones simultaneously. Apparently, my destiny is to become emotionally attached to charming addicts who eventually become homeless until one day they totally disappear and I am left to wonder if they have died. Or they disappear at random intervals and come back like nothing happened.
I should remind myself that even before he was homeless, it was totally his pattern to periodically disappear without a trace for 4 days on an alcohol binge that always co-occured with a) losing yet another job and b) losing his phone. He always resurfaced, but only after I'd spent four days in the fetal position, drinking away my tears and having lost the will to eat because my worry was so intense. He does it about once a month.
My attitudes changed over time. For a long time I fell into the drama trap. It almost killed me. But I did some therapy and changed, then quarantine gave me the opportunity to a) live 100% alone for 6 months and b) experience both of us totally sober. The REAL us.
Well it's been eye opening. I can't believe I am even in this position or that I let it happen so long. Before I thought I stayed for sex, but I don't particularly enjoy sex anymore. He has been in my life for seven stressful years now. I'm in too deep. He always comes back. If I don't answer he comes to my door full of apologies. It's hard to turn away someone who, as innocently as a child asks for a hug, with a face full of bruises. It's not easy to abandon someone in need, who you know you can help, and you can justify it by listing the benefits, like, someone to do things with who cooks. And he says he loves me. That's a normal healthy human desire, to be loved, right?
Could be worse... I could have been the mother of his child, and, I did the right thing by terminating that. I think that was the event that really shook me, and changed me. I didn't want to bring a human into my suffering. I didn't want them to know the person who turned my life upside down. I especially didn't want a daughter, because the discrimination against women is too deep to willingly expose a child to it. No, I will allow none of my descendants to suffer by releasing them into this place. And I didn't want to be stuck with him forever. Because what if, one day I get free?
I could be writing this while he's in the morgue... My mom could be dead too.
Do you ever see yourself outside of yourself and are like wow, that's sad. It's normal for me though, that the people in my life are ... not really even living, not even conscious to this realm. I see glimmers of their soul sometimes. Sometimes I even feel loved. I open up to them. I go with the flow. Until I realize the flow is a waterfall about to crash at 200,000 feet per second into the rocks below that end up far more shallow than one would have guessed.
I'd probably be better off adopting tons of animals.
I miss the hope I felt for that fuckboy, the now sober one. Man, I can't believe how long they stick around me. I don't mind the periodic ghosting but why do they always need to come back? I obviously don't trust that one anymore after finding someone else in his bed.
It's wild the traumas women experience, that seem so widespread and normal, isn't it?
We need to change the rules. We need to get men out of power. (And out of our hearts.)
1:46 p.m. - 2020-09-05