He picked an arbitrary argument when we were watching a movie, made up a lie to accuse me of interrupting the movie (because I needed to pee) and served up some impressive double standards ... The usual buffet.
I know it's his habit at jobs to invent drama so he can storm out every month, or get in fist fights. He has trouble with anger, and a lot of things, but it still hurts anyway when he makes messes and then shut downs or storms out, usually over something really minor with an easy solution. But especially now that we're in a pandemic and I can no longer safely have him coming and going all the time like before. It's be awesome if perhaps he could find more mature ways of conducting himself that don't result in homelessness.
For my part, I could have just ignored him and went to sleep, but I knew I'd feel too uncomfortable and unsafe to sleep because his behavior was erratic and scary and weird, and I thought maybe some communication would help put me at ease and we could hug and it'd be fine. Two days ago he told me I need to be direct with him. So I thought, okay, I should say something, maybe we can fix this.
I first gave him a little time to pout alone while I finished my kava ashwagandha tea. Then went to him to try to communicate. But mentally it felt like I was talking to a very small child. I was seated and calm but underneath, the longer he dragged it out, the more my own annoyance was beginning to grow.
Just another entry about me uncomfortably waiting for someone's mood to pass.
He headed toward the door, maybe as a threat, but I was already okay with it, like, okay, whatever you feel like doing. He hesitated awhile. But then he was like 'I may as well go now because I'm going to sooner or later' or something like that. Which is true, what's the difference, I can cry now or cry later. And either way I'll feel relieved to have my home back and be in a peaceful clean environment again. So I didn't argue or try to stop him. I felt like he's just too much stress to have around, and I feel better when the only moods I fuck with are my own. So he left. Literally maybe all he needed was a hug, but we'll never know, because I not only blocked him but deleted the apps from my phone that enable him to contact me. I'm just going to assume that he left because he wanted to. That's the choice he made and it's time I let him face the consequences of his poor decisions. :(
It's disappointing, but we've gone about as far as we can go. There's nothing left to learn for me here. He already helped me develop an incredible ability to remain calm under pressure from the years I've endured, so I'm glad for that outcome, and for all the tools I've learned to cope with painful emotions. I love him, he loves me, but I can't keep putting myself second anymore. I need to live my life. And he needs to get his shit together, by himself.
It sucks but whatever. It's not my first rodeo with this champ. I'll feel my feelings and continue living and start feeling better like I always do.
10:04 p.m. - 2020-10-09