This morning I updated myself on all the news. It is more of the same. A couple more friends moved abroad this week to avoid the daily fear-fest that is living in the "United" States. I consider doing the same but I don't want to abandon my animal babies or put them through stress, and my options anywhere else are not much better than I enjoy currently. I'm in a better position than probably all of my friends, but I also have more to lose than they do. I am as emotionally exhausted and fearful of the future as everyone else, but mentally I think I can weather the storm. 2020 is nothing compared to some of the shit my ancestors survived.
I went to sleep at 9 pm last night so I woke up with the sunrise ready to face the day, but apparently the boy didn't sleep last night, so he's doing that now. I don't mind. It gives me quiet time away from his usual assault of questions and interruptions, much like a child tugging on his mother's clothes saying "lookit mommy lookit!" He's the reason I get so tired and go to sleep so early, ha ha.
I keep having nightmares about my mom. Last night I dreamed we were sharing an airbnb and she got into some arbitrary argument with my dad so she behaved extremely immaturely and I was just observing and waiting for her to grow up. The night before last I dreamed she was trying to crush my head with the back of a car seat and I was yelling for her to please stop. I feel like the dreams are a reflection of how I feel that so many adults have lost control and are behaving in ways that are emotionally immature, and it's reminding me of my mom's episodes. And it feels like everyone is going mental all around me now, so, either I'm mentally ill and projecting, or, the world is going crazy. Maybe both, I don't know, but I feel like I'm coping better than most. I'm at least trying to take care of myself, taking my vitamins, eating well, meditating, journaling, and at least sometimes going for nature walks and doing yoga. I hate a lot of the things happening right now, but I seem to still be alive. I always felt that I was stronger than people assumed. Outside I appear small and frail, but inside is a whole other world you'd never expect unless you read my diary or know me very very well, which I don't really let people do. Only one friend knows I have had a "boyfriend" living with me, and even then, I didn't share any details. I keep social interactions light and humorous, since they're the few moments I don't need to dwell in my daily realities. When I'm talking to someone outside my home, I want to be present with them, and forget about whatever is going on in my personal life, and escape into some nice conversation so we can both forget about whatever stresses we have.
I might feel less strong later if the boy wakes up in a funk and makes me deal with it. I probably only feel at peace right now because it's nice and quiet. I love it though. I hope that I can maintain a sense of humor the next few days. The problems happen when both of us become overly serious.
The other day he initiated playing pretend while we were out walking and it was great. He started talking as if we were pirates who had just arrived on land after months at sea and made up this entire creative dialogue and prodded "play with me!" until I joined him in the fun delusion, which was cute of him. Adults need to play pretend more often just like kids do, especially in times like these. It's like a visual meditation, and you can go anywhere you want. A mini mental vacation, and a playful spirit is all you need, no drugs, money, or travel required. It's all in the mind.
Grateful today for the silence, and for the groceries arriving later today because these days excitement comes in the form of snacks. Grateful that every day has the potential to be different from the last, and that it depends on how I choose to react, or not react, to people/events around me. Cohabitation is a real challenge to my sanity at times, but right now I feel I'm doing okay. Hopefully I won't eat my words later! (I definitely will.)
12:32 p.m. - 2020-10-07