I've been perpetually high since he left. I didn't stand in his way.
I don't handle sudden upsets well when it comes to love. I blocked him, and all his family, and deleted apps he can find me on. I am remembering why I felt so much better without his erratic influence on my life. I am too fucking old for this. I had a perfectly healthy 6 months alone. WHY did I fuck it up by letting him back in?
I woke up at 6 am with the same discomfort and dread in the pit of my stomach that I always have when someone is angry and surprises me with some unexpected display. Its funny, for all my prophetic dreams and intuition and handling people's egos with kid gloves and walking on eggshells and being called gentle, I am always left stunned when someone stings me with their internal unrest, blaming their troubles on me. I never see it coming. I habitually choose lovers who are so great, until they're not. I delude myself into trusting we're thick as thieves, and I give my loyalty, and then ... just as soon as I feel my soul can relax and the feeling is mutual -- BAM moodswing out of nowhere, dramatic exit, I don't exist. And later, whenever they feel like it, days or years later, the apology that lets it all happen again. The definition of abuse.
So now I'm drinking while waiting for the sun rise. I made myself a horrible cocktail and my cat is sitting beside me, my only loyal companion, rubbing my face with her nose intermittently between my sips of numbing juice. I've been contemplating communicating with the former addict who probably just wants sex, and sex without bullshit doesn't sound so terrible right now. It'd be easy and fast. I only need to send one "hey" text and he'd be here within minutes. Men, why do you not realize this when you leave your women alone as punishment? I am certain it's not as easy for men to find sex, judging by their extreme level of desperation and immediate replies.
Or I could call S, who I know would give me excellent intelligent conversation for as long as I want, sex or not. Or, I can just keep drinking until I pass out. I think I'll choose the latter, because I don't like men.
At some point I'll need to text my dad today and explain that I am not in the right state of mind to have dinner with him and his wife because I let a homeless ex live in my studio apartment but surprise that didn't work out so now I'm left with all his piles of junk taking up my usable living space and reminding me of how I'm hurting and what a fool I am for letting it happen and wanting to throw all his shit away so I don't need to look at it and.. I'm probably not going to tell him or anyone else any of that so my dad will just think I'm crazy and I'm okay with that.
Sirens outside. He's probably sleeping right now on the cold ground without a blanket -- a bold statement of how much he hates me for opening my laptop lol -- or a statement of how he chooses suffering time and again. My repeated forgiveness of him appears a similar tune, and I find that very embarrassing.
I hope I reach a point of equilibrium soon where I delete this. I usually lose interest in drinking after a day or so and pull myself together again. Gotta pull myself together again for the next person who wants to use me, lol.
Hi I'm empathetic and an easy target lol. Just give me your pity story and my apartment is yours along with all my food and I'll probably even tolerate you sleeping with me at least once even though I don't enjoy sex anymore. I should make a dating profile and write that. :(
6:26 a.m. - 2020-10-11