I had stress dreams that he was staying at my parents' old house, breaking their dishes, and repeatedly upsetting me. I told him to get out. I opened the door, and it was raining. Fuck. He stood under the awning. A big van pulled up and a concerned woman asked him if he was hungry. Somehow I ended up in the passenger seat to get gas with the empathetic driver, explaining to her that he doesn't need food, what he needs is affordable housing. I told her I needed to get back home so she drove across an overpass that was flooding with ocean waves that looked worse ahead. "Where are you going?! We're going to die if you keep going this way!" I said.
Dream interpretation: The Alcoholic damages my home life, even if unintentionally. The empathetic driver is the part of me that is trying to help but is steering into danger in doing so. When she is driving, my rational self is in the passenger seat. Also, it's fucking raining when I kick him out, a symbol of the current climate and unfortunate timing.
In real life, he left his i.d. here, so, I guess he's not serious about his claim of leaving to find work, or he left it here thinking he can just come back here any time, or he didn't think at all. I blocked him (and his entire family) everywhere, so the only way he can get it now is to try my intercom and hope that I will answer. Strangely, I don't care. I don't want him coming back.
I honestly believe there's a part of him that is destined to be homeless. I always thought it'd eventually happen because of his lifestyle choices, his erratic uncontrollable emotional reactions, and his love of self destruction. He's always had a fear of feeling caged, and hates to stay at home too long, so wandering the streets is kind of exactly his kind of freedom. He makes excuses at every solution I suggest, like he'd rather pity himself than make any effort to change. There's a terrible proverb that goes: "If someone is destined to drown, he will drown even in a spoonful of water.
(End scene.)
Happy memories:
the day I received my masters degree
Today's affirmation:
I thrive in my own love and I am a universe
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
lazily postponing self care
I am grateful for:
the passing of time and solitude to bring peace to my heart, peaches and sugar in my baked oatmeal, learning and practicing boundaries even when it's hard
The person I am becoming will experience more:
creative activities.
I accomplished:
slept well, meditated, journaled
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
embrace the present moment for whatever it is
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like an olympian
11:09 a.m. - 2020-10-13