I was thinking about how my inner monologue is often complaining that everyone is addicted to emotional drama, except of course, me.
*tooth sparkle*
But then I remembered how I keep going back to (a) relationship(s) that, despite every effort, always dish(es) out drama. And if most of my friends are consumed by emotional drama, well, why are they my friends then if I am truly so detached from emotional drama? What drew me to connect with them? Am I not a participant? I can't always be the innocent victim of a world gone mad. I mean yes, the world has gone mad, but... I have to take at least some responsibility for the preventable shenanigans I permit to repeat, like being in an on and off relationship with an alcoholic for 7 long years.
Maybe I've internalized victim blaming. "Why didn't she leave?" I've pummeled myself with this question for years. This time, it will be different, I frequently tell myself. Maybe that's just the nature of an abusive relationship. It's a mindfuck.
Obviously, some familiar patterns from childhood are being repeated. So, even if I don't like drama, I've been imprinted with it in such a way that makes it seem normal to me, so I think that I can handle it. It's not about self esteem, it's kind of the opposite. I am just cocky enough to think I'm highly skilled at making even the most impossible relationship work. I think, well, I've survived this long in it. What's the difference if I let him back one more time, just to enjoy the good parts. It's easier to just go with the flow...
Or maybe emotional addiction to drama is just a normal human thing, and I'm only noticing it and being horrified by it specifically because it reminds me of what I didn't like growing up? Like ptsd, which one therapist thought I had, and I don't disagree. Although I like to think I don't have it that bad. But maybe I do, it's just that I'm super analytical so it only appears that I have my shit together.
God I think too much.
I wonder what being in a relationship with myself would be like. I think it'd be fun. I'd go with myself everywhere! I'd tell people we were twins. We could wear complementary outfits. And split chores. We could take turns taking a break from people while one of us answered texts and maintained social connections. Everyone would want to fuck us lol. That would be annoying. But maybe not? I'd have a threesome with myself. New narcissistic fantasy?
Wow this entry got weird fast. I better go drink my damiana tea. And contemplate this new fantasy lol, which somehow seems a lot less masochistic and potentially self-hating than an ordinary threesome fetish. Interesting, even. Psychologically what would that even mean? I should share all my weird psychology related thoughts with my psychologist friend who might laugh, and judge me of course, but I should catch up with her soon anyway.
7:27 p.m. - 2020-10-13