An entire romance unfolded in my dreams. The sex scene at the end was nice too. Too bad I woke up.
Today is the only day left to do all my cooking for the week, so I'll need to o.d. on caffeine. Last night I made saffron golden milk & matcha pudding in several jars to discourage melancholy. I'm still angry at the boy for being so incapable of holding it together just once. I guess it's the same feeling I have about my mom. This pain that follows me for life, always wishing my loved ones could have saved themselves, and it seemed like nothing I did was ever enough to help. I despise this pattern in my life. It is a nightmare watching people I love suffer over and over again until it becomes too unbearable to watch and they walk directly into ruin. I've heard that some people have actual mothers, sisters, etc, who they can rely on for emotional support in hard times. I don't know what that's like but it sounds nice!
I miss my grandmothers so, so, so much. I want to collapse in a puddle in my grandma's arms and tell her everything, tell her what has happened to my mom, and ask her, what do I do? I console myself by finding the pieces of them that live in myself. Thankful that they existed, and for the strength and grace they taught by example. The fuel they gave me is just enough to keep stubbornly moving forward in this shitty timeline.
I at least have a few people in my life who, while not necessarily emotionally supportive, are at least sane and consistent. It's nice to know I have people who would help me if my car breaks down or my computer acts up. 'You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need' or whatever. Some people don't even have a pot to piss in so, I should at least be grateful... that I don't need to piss in a pot.
Happy memories:
my spring 2020 mindset in which I didn't miss anyone because I was smart enough to avoid them in the first place
Today's affirmation:
LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
being perpetually annoyed
I am grateful for:
caffeine, good dreams, good people
The person I am becoming will experience more:
messy art projects just for fun
I accomplished:
did yoga, slept well, meditated, journaled
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
breathe
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
emotionally resilient.
10:09 a.m. - 2020-10-14