Last night I couldn't sleep because of a very bad combination of too much caffeine, pms, and fears that my stomach bloating could be pregnancy, even though I only had sex once, on the first day of my period, and he pulled out. I was so angry because I didn't even enjoy it. My whole life flashed before my eyes imagining getting an abortion in the middle of a pandemic by a nurse in a hazmat suit on the cusp of a potential election of a tyrant who wants to further eradicate my rights as a woman. Or what if, after all that, I was forced to raise a boy, of a terrible father. So I spent most of the night bargaining with the universe that if I am not pregnant I swear I'll never have sex with a man again, which would be a relief regardless. I doubt I'm actually pregnant, at least I hope not. It is strange because I am of an age where women spend $$$ to force fertility, yet here I am being excessively fertile with one abortion under my belt when I was careful NOT to get pregnant, but my body just doesn't want to quit trying to populate the earth with little feminists. Twins run in my family. Wouldn't THAT be fun. After the dangerous pregnancy that even in the earliest stage nearly killed me, I really don't think I'd live for more than a couple months, or would probably die giving birth like my great grandmothers did. I'd feel safer from men if I removed my womb, but I keep it for the sense of power that comes with having the ability to semi clone myself or birth an army of feminists if need be. It's a superpower that I have, so powerful that men should fear it. Especially since I do in fact have the means to raise a child or several, and an education to share with them that surpasses most politicians. And I have all the genes nazis fear, hiding cleverly under an appearance that somewhat betrays my roots. I also just like having a cycle that connects me to the moon's phases and gives me a rotating buffet of superpowers, like the energy and clarity of estrogen in week one, and the incredibly heightened senses around ovulation that make boys think I'm a witch. Women are roughly 3-4 different people each month, so we never need to mentally or emotionally stagnate. We are always evolving. It's too much for men to grasp. And I love that.
Happy memories:
Before I learned to be afraid of walking alone outside. I used to walk everywhere, walking with a coffee if I fancied it, enjoying my surroundings, chancing upon spontaneous adventures. I miss feeling safe.
Today's affirmation:
LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE IT
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
checking the news
I am grateful for:
my body and its magical powers, my comfy sweatshirt, my pets
The person I am becoming will experience more:
laughing and creating (without weed)
I accomplished:
I did 30+ minutes of intense yoga to make up for the day I skipped, and it felt good to push my body harder to burn off anxiety and anger
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
respect my body
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
strong
10:14 a.m. - 2020-10-19