I deeply regret offering to hold onto his stuff for him when he lost his apartment, when I know full well that the fight that led to his eviction happened because he loves to fight, and has admitted to me that he loves to fight. I had a dream around that time that warned me that he was only using me for a place, and I didn't heed my intuition. My bad for letting my empathy be used as a weapon against myself.
It's remarkable how many other women experience identical patterns of men abusing and using them, only being nice if she does all the work and licks his boots, then when she's had enough he gives lots of sorrys and i love yous so he can do it again, or threatens suicide when a woman becomes aware of the abuse and wants out. Then, if she succeeds in getting rid of the parasite, he'll inevitably find excuses to make repeat visits by conveniently 'forgetting' things he left behind, to prevent the woman from cutting ties. Classic.
I want to make a commitment to myself to never settle for this again or allow my door open even a crack for him to return. Sure, he as well as everyone has redeemable qualities. But the cycle is so obvious, I am making a commitment to myself to never allow it again. I will not betray myself, no matter how many new numbers he creates to find me. He is a grown ass man. His life is his responsibility, not mine. He'll find someone else to use.
I hesitate to throw all his belongings in the garbage, although I'd like to, and might later, but I'm holding off on taking any actions for now. Maybe when he finds a place I'll carry it all down to the lobby and he can pick it up, no contact. If I make room in my storage, I can bury it all down there where it's out of sight and then I can have my closet and hall space back.
It's not the first time I've been through this circus with men, but I've gotten smarter. I don't participate in their attempts to create drama anymore. I block them much sooner than I used to, and remind them I have 24 hour security and surveillance cameras, to deter unwelcome visits. When they make threats, I block them. When they try to use guilt to manipulate me, I block them. Ignore, ignore, ignore, block, block, block, is the only way to deal with needy abusive men.
I even have some of my male friends muted, as they very frequently require my emotional labor, and I wonder why it is that my female friends rarely if ever require my emotional labor? Because THEY ARE ADULTS. I wonder why my male friends expect me to mother them through their relationship problems when they already have therapists and girlfriends and mothers, and why must I carry their problems in addition to my own when I have none of the same support they enjoy, and furthermore I live in a dangerously sexist society that constantly threatens my survival and undermines me at every turn? And even if I ask men nicely to ease off me by explaining the one-sidedness of the situation, some of them scoff at feminism like indignant children. Some support!
My consequences for permitting him back into my home are a broken door, wasted money on groceries, a closet and hall I can't use because of all his crap, relapse of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a lot of frustration at the realization that he takes everything he needs until I need something, and then he conveniently leaves me to clean the mess he made of my life, until I repair and recover and then he returns to do it all over again.
The next time I start to feel like I need sex or am lonely, I will take extreme measures to guarantee I won't resort to him, no matter how hard he tries. There are other people I can see and infinite ways to fill loneliness, and billions of people in this world who aren't men. Yes, I'll need to waste a lot of energy constantly blocking men, but it's less energy than I'd waste if I didn't.
He keeps postponing retrieving his important document which he needs for a job but apparently they let him start working without it. I feel that he's using that as a way to prevent me from cutting ties, so he can come back later. I'm debating whether to give him a grace period of 1 week to retrieve it before blocking his new number. But I've given him so many chances again and again and it never works out well for me, so maybe it's time I turn full on bitch and cut ties without warning and stop giving him any opportunities to hurt me. It might make me a bitch, but I'll be a bitch with her sanity intact.
10:00 a.m. - 2020-10-18