I feel like I need to be cradled like a baby until the election.
I don't typically feel lonely, and managed most of 2020 being VERY grateful for time alone, but today, I have wanted nothing more than to be in someone's arms and felt cared for and safe. Since a mom isn't available, perhaps a caring lover? I have options, but only one of them is responsible enough to get covid tested and willing to do that for me without any resistance. And, that one also agreed to see me with zero expectations of sex. So, I guess we have a winner for potential cuddles soon, unless I panic and back out later.
I'm probably just being menstrual, but man, there's a lot going on and I would just LOVE a long hug, a cuddle, a little comfort with someone I trust, in a wholesome way, or even a romantic way, perhaps a bit of both. Even just for five minutes.
I despise feeling this way. I hope when I wake up this annoying need for human contact goes away and I can go back to comfortably hating men and thriving in solitude.
It's mostly fear-induced, this sudden need. I don't know what's going to happen and I've been strong all year and I just want what I feel that I deserve, to feel safe and loved, just for a short while, enough to go on for however many months more. A brief vacation from my monastic lifestyle. Maybe I'm just having a moment of weakness.
My sex drive came back, like, the moment the Alcoholic left, and has been lingering ever since. So, that's probably not a coincidence. I could use a dating app but I don't feel that desperate and I also don't feel that trusting right now.
Oh good, I'm feeling sleepy now. Oh what bliss to be unconscious soon!
Let's continue overthinking tomorrow, shall we?
Sweet dreams. <3
10:26 p.m. - 2020-10-22