So during my alcohol-induced anxiety attack about my mom, my ex became aware that this was obviously bothering me, so he did some digging and contacted some family, and found out that around the time she went M.I.A. she had learned that her first husband recently died, who she loved, a lot.
When I was a kid she'd tell me how romantic he was, that they were high school sweethearts, but that he came back from war mentally fucked up and became addicted to pills and started beating her and she had to leave him to protect their son. But she never really got over it, and would compare my dad to him when they'd fight, because my dad was a very different sort of person, more reserved than passionate, more formal and subtle in his romanticism than what she was used to. I think my parents biggest issue may have been that she wanted my dad to replace her first love, to make her feel the same. But my dad was just not that kind of person and was obviously insulted to be compared with someone who beat her. My dad just wasn't a brute like that. He's the most civilized man I know.
After my dad left her, she saw her first love again at her high school reunion and she said he was flirtatious with her, telling her how she was still so beautiful, he apologized for everything, and they talked about their memories together, holding hands. But he was married to someone else and had other kids, so, they had to accept it and move on.
My brother said when he told her the news of his death, she did not take it well at all. So, now I know where she is and why she stopped answering her phone. She is grieving. I feel so sad for her. I know how much she loved him. I might just go ahead and cry for this imperfect damaged man I never met who swept my mom off her feet long ago, even though I wouldn't exist if not for their divorce. I kept staring at his face on the obituary, his sad gentle eyes. My poor mom.
9:45 a.m. - 2020-10-22