Apparently, last night I needed to get super drunk.
It started out innocently enough with one cocktail while I caught up with a couple friends for marathon video chats, which was nice and I think I really needed that. But the cocktail kept refilling itself... and then I decided, it's a celebration, i'll just open this wine! And I texted some friends that I miss them because under the influence it turns out I really love and miss everyone so, so much, something that even I am not myself typically aware of in my default setting of Sober Introvert Of The Year. But when drunk I am warm and friendly and love humans with my whole heart.
But the more I drank the more my mood turned sad and anxious and preoccupied with my mom, feelings I am usually aware of, but with no filter I let it all pour out. By the time I answered the phone for the guy who had irritated me so much a week or so ago, I was hyperventilating and sobbing like a total nutcase, and he actually was so supportive and patient and comforted me away from the awful state I was in, and stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep, and he said "i love you" and I pretended not to hear it, but I smiled and felt held by it and drifted to sleep like a baby.
I was actually really glad for drunk-me's decisions to talk with humans and release all the emotions I typically keep sealed in. I needed to let it out last night and let other people hold MY emotions for a change. And it seemed like they were actually more than willing to share my burden with me. I should consider trying that while sober sometime, because unfortunately my big spectacular display resulted in waking up on the bathroom floor and throwing up all morning. But, then, my ex brought homemade chicken soup made by his aunt from the Old Country <3 and I have never loved soup so much in my life. So even the soup felt like a warm loving embrace to calm my stressed out soul.
And now I cannot ever again take for granted that people around me actually do care and are there to hold me up when I feel beaten down. It felt like being held by everyone at the same time, a circle of love to heal my fears. I feel so grateful to have been made aware that I have that, when just earlier I had felt that I had no one to turn to. I also feel like a huge emotional weight has been lifted, or at least soothed to make it more bearable for a little while.
So maybe people aren't so terrible after all...
5:05 p.m. - 2020-10-21