I dreamed I was traveling through Israel and had a one-day romance with an Israeli woman who I made out with. A car of men (including the Alcoholic) was on its way to pick me up and take me back home, but after meeting the woman, I really wasn't in a hurry to go back. I felt safe in her town where everything was clean and nothing was overwhelming and I trusted her completely. We meandered a gift shop together with her friends, looking at all the glass evil eyes and hamsas on display. I wanted to stay there with her. But I checked my phone and saw tons of missed texts from the Alcoholic, who had been waiting in a parked black car for me for over an hour while I'd been frolicking and exploring with the happy Israeli woman. So I hugged her goodbye and we promised to stay in touch long distance, and I walked back to the black car of solemn men.
In real life I had a brief romance with an Israeli woman, who I wrote a song about that I never shared, but she was too young for me and had a boyfriend and had many disappointing opinions that were anti-feminist enough to make my skin crawl. She also stood me up twice at Pride because of her boyfriend which made me cry all day and drink too much, so I gave up and blocked her and that was the end of that.
I've been thinking about all the crushes I've had on women that I never acted on or said anything about. Like Fatima, the Palestinian girl in my Hebrew class 15 years ago who taught me how to tie a hijab when I went to mosque with her. We talked and bonded all day long and I was so infatuated, oh my Goddess. But I assumed it could never be, because, I'm pretty sure Islam frowns upon lesbianism. I used to literally stare at her in class, my heart beating faster even just watching her shoe pressing against the floor at her desk. I wrote poems about her and she never had any idea I felt that way. I wish I'd said something because now she's completely gone and probably married with kids. She was so brilliant...
Long ago I also super-crushed on a woman who I still crush on from afar, but so does everyone else. We made out at a concert of our famous old man boyfriends at the time and she spun me around and oh my that wild woman was so full of magic. I wrote poems about her too. Now she works at a bookstore 600 miles away and I occasionally glimpse her only in photos on facebook, and I still sigh to myself about her.
And the 40 year old coworker I crushed on at the gallery who at the time was almost twice my age. Of course I never said a word about how I vibrated with romantic longings when she talked to me.
And the one who made out with me every time we were together at our friend's gatherings but when I asked her about it, while laying in bed with her the next morning, she told me she wanted to marry a man and have kids, and a few years later she did exactly that, and I was not invited to the wedding, but she still follows me on instagram. I don't follow her back.
There was also a crush present at the one and only all female orgy that once happened in my bed. We texted back and forth for months afterward but never again kissed because she was too busy making out with our other friend, in front of me... Now that things with our other friend fizzled out, she is once again texting me, and I even received a boob pic lol, but now she has a baby and lives with the father, and, like half the women I have liked, I think she's a little too crazy for me.
I would like a woman who is chill and stable and in it for the long term, who isn't bipolar (I've fled from two of those), someone caring and gentle and not controlling. Does that exist? It would be so awesome to be accepted fully by a woman who doesn't want to change me in any way or make me uncomfortable by being too aggressive. Maybe someday I'll find this sweet woman. Trouble is, I'm too gentle and timid a woman myself to make any first moves and I'm always scared of scaring her away the same way that I've been scared before. But given the way I feel about men, I should probably work on growing some balls and risking rejection because maybe I'm depriving myself of something better.
Or maybe I'm just better off alone with my unrequited celebrity crush Alba Flores. Humina humina.
9:45 a.m. - 2020-11-06