I was having anxiety already when Sober Boy called, and for some reason I decided to answer and then I had more anxiety. So I nervously poured myself a cocktail and I wish I hadn't because now I feel like I need to finish it because I used my fancy soda and rosewater and simple syrup. And I had a small amount of kava which you're not supposed to mix with alcohol, but hopefully not enough to cause liver damage...
Why do I do things?
I probably shouldn't have answered the phone. I don't know why this particular fellow gives me so much anxiety. Actually I do know. I have legitimate reasons. But also I once had an intense crush on him so maybe part of it is like when your crush calls? Except I am scared to see him because we will probably want sex, even though he claims we could just go for a social distance walk, which is such bullshit that there's a Reductress meme about it that says: "'Maybe We Could Go for a Socially Distanced Walk?' Says Man Trying to Cum on Your Face."
I've been nervous-cleaning and decorating for most of the day and I've checked my phone a little too often. I should try to avoid caffeine tomorrow. Should I stop being so scared and just have sex with somebody? I don't know? I feel like I need to be in the company of a human but the pandemic scares the shit out of me so I'm waaaay overly cautious. I hold my breath and close my eyes when I use the elevator. I always use gloves and double masks and glasses out. I sanitize my hands after washing just in case, and deliveries undergo quarantine for a few days before I open them. I don't even 100% trust covid tests, and I fear someone could lie and say they were tested if they weren't. And I haven't seen any of my friends this year because of all this. But I'm alive!
Today I'm grateful for being alive, grateful for phone conversations even if I feel totally awkward, and grateful that tomorrow is a new day.
9:25 p.m. - 2020-11-05