Today I decided that I will return to being a total hermit, because I've been talking too much with others for the second half of this year, and instead of making me feel better, it made me feel much worse. I always feel like I need to be there for people when they need me, and I did that, but it's not equal, so now I need to be there for myself, and give myself everything that others just aren't equipped enough right now or self aware enough to give.
Ex1 : The guy friend who is always coming to me for emotional support ignored my text for three days. He saw it, he said, he just forgot because he was watching a show. But when he texts, its always an emergency.
Ex 2: The Alcoholic needed reassurance about his therapy session today because he was nervous. Of course I reassured and coddled him, even though when I need anything at all, he's nowhere to be found.
Ex 3: The fuckboy has bothered me all year, calling, texting, trying to get me to go out with him, saying he's changed, etc. But when I finally respond he leaves me on read. (I hope I stay on read.)
Ex 4: I thought it might be safe for me to vent to my ex. Instead he made me feel like something was wrong with me for having feelings about a pandemic and being quarantined with very loud 16 hour long monday-friday construction noise every day. Whoops! Guess I was vulnerable with the wrong person. (Also, gaslighting.)
Ex 5: My dad is sort of an exception because he's my dad, but it was still a lot of emotional labor to hear him (and his wife) angrily rant about everything under the sun this week. I have problems too but no one asks.
There is a pattern here. They're all men. Regardless. I'm going to be very extreme about my unavailability like I was in the first half of the year because it worked wonders for my mental health. For today my phone is completely off. Hopefully no one who matters has an emergency. It's a relief to turn my phone off.
To cope with all the noise today my solution was to turn every vent on full blast, and the air purifier on full blast, and I'm wearing one pair of noise canceling headphones on silent while my other ones recharge. Maybe for the holidays I'll get a few days off. Something to look forward to.
I'm grateful for: boundaries, creative solutions, the power off button, and that in a couple hours I'll have a break from the heavy duty sawing machinery...until the middle of the night road construction starts again.
A LOT of people in my building have been moving lately. Wonder why...
3:04 p.m. - 2020-11-16