OF COURSE the good guy texts that he will responsibly get covid tested and has several days off to see me when i'll be on my period, and when I've already committed to embracing solitude as the safest and sanest choice.
I'm conflicted but mostly scared and already too much in hibernation mode to see anyone. I'd probably feel the need to clean my house and shave and all that nonsense and I'm feeling like its not worth all the effort to date, even though it'd be nice to see him, but also he kind of waited too long and I no longer feel lonely or have much urge to venture out. Also we'd probably drink because I can't be normal or enjoy men if I'm sober (wow that's terrible) but I don't want to drink.
I'm currently in the mood to snack and be comfortably alone under my blanket without man smells or stressing over sex or covid or flu. I don't want to shave my legs or put on makeup or cute clothes this week. I just want to bleed in peace.
Ordinarily I'd be pmsing right now but I feel so relaxed and calm. I fully enjoyed this entire day, just watching the rain with my cat, cooking, enjoying lots of music, stretching, catching up on youtubers I hadn't seen in awhile, feeling cozy in my new sweater. Too bad I only feel this good alone. I am positive if I cohabitated with anyone right now I wouldn't feel this good. They'd probably be mad about something and it would make my stomach tense up. Or I'd be trying to medicate my introversion away with lots of alcohol, making me the life of the party, I'd say all the right things and make everyone feel great, and then go home exhausted with a terrible hangover and a boy on my couch who I'd wish hadn't stayed. I am so grateful to be 2020ing alone again. And it's quiet right now!
Also, in addition to quitting weed and avoiding alcohol for awhile, I figured I'd also cut down on caffeine while I'm at it, so I've been gradually having less and less each day, working my way down from two coffees and 1-2 green teas to just one cup of green tea. After tomorrow will be my first day with zero caffeine. I want to see how much better I feel when my body isn't addicted to anything. I might just see how long I can go without any caffeine at all, at least for a little while, as an experiment. I feel so much calmer already and had the best nap today. Without caffeine I'll probably have zero anxiety at all. I also stayed off social media today, except to check book club posts and unfollow 95% of my fb news feed. It was a good decision.
5:07 p.m. - 2020-11-17