Today was supposed to be my no-coffee day, but I could feel the waves of misery just waiting to engulf me if I didn't pacify myself with this warm mug of saffron coffee today. Maybe quitting coffee is too ambitious right now. But I did cut down from last week, so I will accept this tiny delicious caffeinated sin. It's our little secret. ;)
I had a dream that started out nice: I pulled away some curtains and noticed I had two patios and a swimming pool and spas I never noticed before! 'This will make quarantine better,' I thought. My friend (who wasn't wearing a mask but I didn't say anything) unexpectedly came over and started cooking me a three course meal, but I felt a little guilty because I wasn't expecting her and wasn't sure if I'd forgotten or what but I hadn't prepared anything for this feast, and I was preoccupied in the other room texting the Alcoholic, who texted me that he was going back to his country of origin, saying there was no work, and nothing for him here. "Please don't go," I texted. "I love you." He called me, only to say "Bye" and swiftly hung up before I could say anything. I was gutted. My friend found me on the floor crying. She was concerned by my extreme display of emotion, and I tearfully apologized, explaining the news I'd just received, not even ashamed enough to hide the tears streaming down my face, not even trying to act stoic like I normally would. Just vulnerable as fuck. Emotional surrender.
I started crying a little bit while writing that. Part of me wants him to call, to give me something more than the short "buenos dias" and "goodnight"s I erratically receive, and sometimes don't. But I feel like I can't complain or ask him for anything when his problems are much bigger than mine right now. By his own fault, but still. He's the master of self sabotage, and being with him has been my form of emotional self sabotage. But sometimes I'd still like him to come over with pho like he did before covid, and we'd hug for ten minutes in the doorway, breathing in his smell, feeling his warm broad shoulders, holding each other as closely as we can as if we hadn't seen each other in ten thousand years. Then falling into his lap on the couch and all the conversation would begin. And everything would be so wonderful, like it always is, for a little while. Till he started to annoyingly grope me when my hands are busy even though he knows it pisses me off, or take me for granted again, getting angry at small things, or demanding too much and leaving me exhausted and misunderstood, then abandoned for something arbitrary. And then wondering why I bothered in the first place when it takes so long to recover and so many days wasted crying when I knew it would happen again.
Still, just the thought of him really leaving forever hurts in a deeply painful way. I'd function, and maybe I'd be healthier, but I'd feel a big heavy empty hole in my heart for probably years. How stupid, to miss someone so stupid.
8:49 a.m. - 2020-11-19