But I asked him why he always uses the word "exotic" to describe me (and why everyone does) and he said it's because I have good bone structure. Okay cool, but I'd prefer if people connected with my mind. I'm bored of shallow skin-deep conversation. To the point where I might gouge my eyes out and pour acid on my face just to sort out the genuine from the fake.
I'm tired. I didn't do yoga today (yet) but I did some important cleaning I'd been avoiding. I also took most of my vitamins.
I'm frustrated by the total lack of good men, not just in my vicinity but in general. I can't stoop any lower to accept men, the bar is already way too low. It's disappointing. I need to not think about it.
I'm grateful for health although I've suddenly been getting weird sharp pain in my palm, like stigmata? Maybe it's carpal tunnel. I'm grateful for the yoga wheel that arrived today although I haven't opened the box yet.
I didn't meditate last night because I stayed up later than usual talking to a boy who called, and then woke up with a headache this morning. I should meditate extra this evening. I feel like I need it.
I'd like to have my faith in humanity restored a little. I feel slightly off, not too much, just a little. It still bothers me sometimes that my best friend and my boyfriend both became kind of toxic this year -- or I realized they have been for awhile now. At least they staggered their uncomfortable dramas so it wasn't all at the same time, and at least it wasn't really that much of a surprise. I know them and I know they aren't the most emotionally mature adults and both struggle with pretty severe addiction and mental health issues. It would be wrong of me to expect them to be there for me in any capacity, knowing that they were already barely functioning before 2020, so why would I disappoint myself by hoping for baseline human decency. I forgive them kind of, but it still makes me sad to think about. I wish I could reason with them but I don't think there's a point in trying right now. They have enough else to worry about. They're already on the floor. It'd be like beating a dead horse. My support system kind of sucks. Fortunately I am used to being emotionally independent and I probably don't need saving. It's on me to reach out more to better people, I just don't have enough motivation right now I guess.
The best people in my life are kind of busy in their relationships. We periodically text nice things and there were a couple zooms. I'm not getting the amount of attention or interaction a healthy person probably should have, but covid is pretty bad, and I know a lot of us are feeling isolated, not just me. I'm hanging in there, surviving on the crumbs, trying to fill the empty spaces with good things. There are always solutions. I'll be okay.
6:10 p.m. - 2020-11-29