I'm getting a routine back. I wake up, say good morning to the animals, place my face in the sunlight until the water boils, make coffee, and reheat breakfast. Then I journal, or research ancient history stuff, or listen to music and podcasts. Then some bath time reading. Then I meal plan or rest a bit before yoga or dance. Then food, then texting or facetime. When I have enough food prepared this is where I'll make some pottery or sew or art journal, but if not I'll cook for several days in advance. When it gets dark I lose steam and start to feel very tired. I play with and feed the animals, feed myself, brush my teeth, meditate, and pass out.
It's not exciting but it's not bad. Except for the times when someone's social media immaturity depresses me, or when men act very erratic, which is pretty often in the Alcoholic's case, but I've distanced myself from that, and from most men and addicts. For a long time I'd been deleting his texts when he has an episode (I never save his number anymore because it changes every month), but lately I just leave it there as a transcript to remind me he's useless, and then I text someone better.
One of my friends who disappeared for most of this year is starting to come out of hiding. She also made the mistake of investing in a man, but she escaped and moved back in with a mutual female friend and that seems to be much better for her mental health.
I question what's wrong with me a lot due to my last relationship. Why am I always a victim? I've been deeply ruminating about childhood, trying to find evidence of my parents being either too clingy or too neglectful, but I think they were actually pretty balanced? My formative years were good, but I had a male half sibling who was definitely erratic and destructive, and diagnosed with mental illness. His frequent disappearances and reappearances, and random out-of-the-blue rages, and extreme addictions, are not dissimilar from two roller coaster relationships I've had. So that's obviously the root of that pattern. Although statistics also make it pretty clear these are common issues with men. Dating men is a crapshoot and I'm actually tired of taking so much responsibility for the failings of men. On behalf of women everywhere: Fuck that.
My parents weren't perfect or anything and they for sure made mistakes, but I honestly feel they did a better job than most. They were mostly reasonable and I felt like I had a fair amount of freedom to express my individuality and make my own decisions, and they weren't overly critical or controlling or cold or physically abusive or any of those sorts of things. But I've sure had to deal with relationships with people who were raised very differently, and have seen how they shut down or become overly reactive at the drop of a pin. It's why I prefer just being alone. :-)
8:18 a.m. - 2020-12-02