The boy I periodically talk to, calls me "babe" in a high-school-quarterback-in-a-teen-movie way, which makes me cringe, so I said that if we're doing nicknames, I'll need a cleverer nickname that suits me better. Yesterday while I was talking about a recipe, he asked if he can lick the batter off me, so I said, "If you call me Daddy." And he replied: "Whatever you want Daddy." HAHA. So my name is "Daddy" now. I love it. He expressed amusement at the thought of confusing people in public. Fun! It shifts the dynamic and is so fun to say: "only if you call me Daddy" and to hear an obedient "yes Daddy" from a very masculine man. :D
I had the weirdest dream a couple nights ago:
I was in a bed in my hometown looking out an open window into the forest at night. It was dark and silent and nothing was happening but I felt a presence watching me in the trees. Everything was still. I kept staring at the trees in the dark, feeling watched or anticipating something. I felt a skeleton foot in my bed and was feeling it with my hand, observing, trying to stay present in my fear. I asked "Who are you?" And woke up.
It probably means that I'm scared of the unknown and of death but facing it and trying to understand it. It's weird how as soon as I asked it to identify itself, I woke up, like it didn't want me to know. It was unusually quiet when I woke up. Usually the pets wake up when I do but they didn't. So I was just sitting in silence in the dark feeling like I'd just been visited, thinking how weird it was that nothing was actually happening in most of the dream, which is part of what made it so eerie. No light, no sound, no movement. All feeling.
I guess I was glad I asked who it was. Like facing my fear made the nightmare end.
I've always had night terrors where I wake myself up screaming to exit the dream, but I think because I've been meditating so much, I've been strengthening my mind so that I was able to feel my way through my fear in the dark, even in a subconscious state, and, confronted it, calmly, instead of my usual reaction of screaming till I wake up. I was in a VERY high state of anxiety, but I breathed as if meditating my way through it. I feel like I mastered my emotions and initiated a conversation with my demons on a deep subconscious level this week.
Although, I never did receive an answer to my question of "Who are you?"
Was it an entity? Did it represent me confronting my shadow self? Or unspoken trauma? Or did it just represent fears about changes happening around me? Maybe I'm figuratively in bed with death (with men.) Or all of the above. (Hopefully no one I've bedded is about to die?! Or it represents the death of a relationship.)
I don't know, I'm not Sickmind Fraud. I just love a good metaphor, and I think all this meditation is paying off. Come at me ghosts and demons! Name yourselves! Don't be shy. Or is it you who are afraid?
Theme of the week: We are switching things up and reversing the paradigm. My inner therapist approves.
9:28 a.m. - 2020-12-04