I guess this is the year I got my shit together. Well, mostly, aside from a few temporary glitches this fall. I'm still amazed that this is the year alcohol sales skyrocketed, since this is the year I didn't see the point in drinking anymore, with about four days of exception? It doesn't seem like a proper time to celebrate or be reckless. Besides I'm a social drinker so that's obviously not been possible in 2020. For health reasons alone, not drinking, or drinking less, seemed wise in a pandemic.
I truly feel validated now in my long held sense that I have nothing in common with the majority of humans, as well as the feeling that I'd be better off alone. Turns out... Being alone removed 95% of my stress, eliminated my chronic pain, nearly eliminated any need for drinking or other types of unhealthy habits, and gave me back my old self who actually has hobbies and creates and is generally motivated enough to do so. Confidence is nice to have again too. Oh and my sleep paralysis / night terrors went away this year too! Literally, all my life long problems, solved in an instant, just by avoiding humans. I had no idea they were stressing me out so much!
Still, I'm frustrated to sober up and realize how undeniably unsupportive many people have been, and how I've wasted years carrying their dead weight, trying to drag them along into my vision when they just aren't able, or not there yet. Although I had a lot of fun and a lot of experiences, I feel like loved ones have held me back, maybe selfishly, trying to keep me small, and bound to them. I hope they make it and thrive, but I gotta stop looking back and worrying and feeling responsible for problems that don't belong to me. And sit with the mourning of the loss of loves that were only an illusion, or just unhealthy for me period, real or not.
I also need to not feel guilty for taking care of myself and being healthy and for basically being a mature responsible adult. I think it's better than lifelessly falling into someone else's arms and crying "fix me!" which is how too many relationships appear to me. I also need to let go of the need to downplay my joy out of fear that it will make people hate me. Let haters hate! I'm tired of dimming my light for dull people, tired of dumbing down, tired of watering it down and baby-talking to people who are just looking for a reason to be mad anyway. Don't like me? Then get off my dick and get out of my way.
That pretty much sums up the themes of this year for me. Solitude was good to me. I discovered I don't need people nearly as much as they try to insist I do. I meditated at least once every day. I yoga'd like I never yoga'd before. I baked like a motherfucker and I did it well. If no one else will say it aloud, I will: I'm proud of me.
10:24 a.m. - 2020-12-26