He said he'd pick up his stuff on friday. Of course he didn't. I assume he's back into addict mode again. It's so depressing. It doesn't help my mood. He obviously doesn't care too much about his stuff though, so I won't feel bad discarding more of it today. I'm thinking of sewing his shirts into an extra long shirt to lounge in, so at least I'll have that to keep me warm. I will sew myself a love that is tangible. I will sew myself a warm hug.
I've entered a tolerable melancholy lately. Men call and I ignore it. I have no words for anyone who only cares about fucking. I want depth. I don't want fantasy romanticism or hopes or dreams. I want real. And if I can't have this, I'd rather have none of it. I prefer the deep conversations in my own head than to suffer any more of the buffet of dick crumbs that are a dime a dozen.
Dick crumbs... There's a fun visual. You are welcome!
I was so right in the very beginning when I told him I didn't want a relationship. I knew he wasn't capable and all I wanted was a warm body to cuddle with that night and I never expected it to go this far. Why do you think I don't even answer the phone for men now? I don't even want to open my door a crack for them because they'll never give me what I want, or they will, before taking it away on purpose as if I'm an animal to be trained and tamed. Men are truly a waste of time. I physically shudder now when I think of sex. We can definitely blame that reflex on men, because it is definitely not how I used to be.
So, old broken me is going to be spending a lot more time alone. I now settle for surface conversation with my ex, who is consistent and isn't trying to fuck me, but I think there's love there. Not the kind of love I want, but good enough to fulfill my human need to socialize I guess. It'll do for now. He's generally agreeable. Agreeable is good. And he's not as mentally retarded as most men. Lol.
It would be excellent if one day perhaps my female friends could stop worshipping dick for long enough to like, hold a conversation. I love them, I do... I just ... Why does everything have to revolve around men? They already control the whole world? Is that not already enough? Do we have no self respect?
Speaking of men, a militia that wants to kill liberals started following my blog yesterday lol.
I am premenstrual so don't mind this entire entry. I'll consider being lighter in spirit when the estrogen kicks back in. Till then I'm grateful for smart people and especially women, grateful for animals and nature, grateful that I am safe and still (relatively) sane.
9:52 a.m. - 2020-12-28