I identified the problem: I'm surrounded by satyrs.
I think the sober one admitted to masterbating to my voice last night while I talked about something entirely unrelated to sex. Every man I talk to, even if we can and do talk about other things, ALWAYS asks for a sexy photo, as if I have the motivation to do that for free. Pay a sex worker, I don't need the sexual validation, and I'm not getting paid. I've had men masterbate while just watching me, clothed, and it looked pathetic, asking me to just sit beside them while they masterbate. I've also had men beg just to cum on me if I didn't want sex. Men are sad creatures.
I didn't mind talking to sober satyr last night though, because I needed to talk to someone very badly, even if it meant talking to someone who masterbates while I talk. He wasn't drunk, so that's a plus. It helped me forget about the Alcoholic and makes me want to take better care of myself in case I do decide to have sex in the future.
I miss ice skating. The Alcoholic never once agreed to go ice skating with me because he sucks at it, and I guess he can't swallow his ego enough to even tolerate trying or learning to do something that makes a woman very happy.
I have GOT to take more initiative about reaching out to people I actually like instead of passively accepting conversation from whoever wants to get off to the sound of my voice. I should make a list of all the people I'd like to interact with more, who are kind and consistent and reasonably intelligent and have healthy hobbies and aren't narcissists and who display a high level of emotional intelligence and maturity. I can form this list from my address book, facebook, and instagram, and even discord chats, and make a physical list. From that list I can shape who I see exclusively in my feeds, and thus interact more with.
I won't necessarily block addicts or anything drastic (yet), because now and then it's not bad to suffer with someone who also suffers so you don't have to suffer alone, and a raging alcoholic isn't likely to judge when I have a mini drinking binge every so often. So even that can be medicine, as long as I don't linger for too long. It's the emotional equivalent of cumming on a man's stomach, or emotionally masterbating while they sit beside me, they as bewildered by my human emotions as I am at their infantile excitement over their own flapping dick.
11:27 a.m. - 2020-12-30