Took advantage of that full moon energy and messaged a person who called very soon after and made me feel important and desired and much smilier than before the call. I am glad I did. I needed it. Maybe I should stop avoiding him so much and depriving myself of potential fun and joy and maybe even something deep. (Maybe I've only been encountering shallowness so often because of my own learned fear of going deep, really deep, with someone.) He's been sober a very long time now. He acts and talks and dresses different than he used to. He talked about those times like they were good times, but as if they were a very long time ago. In my mind it wasn't that long ago, but I can see he's aged.
He said sweet things and it lifted my mood. It was mostly a long and wholesome conversation, that felt a blend of anxious and calm and comfortable and nostalgic. I liked it. It made my day a little better, and I told him so. He was being so candid. He's very very quick to respond -- almost too quick. We are so alike, and I think we both know we could fall deeply madly in love with each other, and that scares me a little. First he was scared, and I wasn't, and now we switched places. What if I stress him out and then he uses again and dies? Or what if I give him my heart and he destroys it, would it be worth it? I will sleep on these considerations. But just maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I sweetened my time with just a tiny sprinkle of romance now and then... Maybe it could help me grow or develop in some new way? It is nice to dream.
12:15 a.m. - 2020-12-30