Literally a week before the random mantrum during a movie, he looked at me with the sincerest most loving eyes, saying, "You are so amazing."
My brain doesn't know how to compute the extreme contradictions.
How did we get from that to, I don't exist?
How did we get from watching a movie, to him running into the bathroom and stonewalling, refusing to explain what just happened or what was wrong, to angrily storming out and slamming the door, to later admitting that was the stupidest "fight" ever. (Don't fights require two people? I was literally sitting there dumbfounded asking him if he's okay...)
Same with my best friend last spring. One week she's tagging me in videos with public proclamations saying how much she misses me. The next week I don't exist, and have ceased to exist to her since. What changed?
I assumed both situations were probably covid-stress related. But still, why is it that I managed to not take my stress out on them? Being nice is so super easy, its literally second nature. Of all the people they could rage against, why me? I did more for both these people than for anyone else I've ever known. It's a betrayal, and I feel, a deeply unwarranted one.
Maybe they keep their distance to protect me from themselves? That would imply they actually care about my feelings though, which is probably wishful delusion on my part.
Since they can't simply communicate like adults, I guess we'll never know! File under unsolved mysteries. I'm gonna get a stiff neck from all my forever shrugs in response to all these one-way relationships.
12:05 p.m. - 2021-01-06