Really wish my first thoughts every morning weren't: "...Is he alive? What happened? Why does he ignore me when I cry? Why did he seem so full of love just a week earlier? What triggered him? Why does it feel like everyone closest to me acts this way? Can I trust anyone?"
The silent treatment apparently continues. I made no further attempts to communicate. I struggle to understand how anyone could be such a piece of shit. It makes me lose my appetite. And then I suffer and wonder why, when I'm certain he's not suffering for anyone. This anger and this sadness isn't even mine. My brain just refuses to believe a person could be that bad, because when I do believe it, I feel so depressed and disillusioned about humanity. What would it take for me to be able to accept that some people lack empathy? Do I need to be murdered to believe it? I know it's not about me, but it affects me...
When he used to disappear on four day benders I coped with it because I thought if I felt upset it would mean I was codependent and codependent = bad. He'd blame me to shirk off his responsibility. When I told a friend about being unable to eat and drinking for breakfast when he'd vanish for days without a note or anything she said "of COURSE you're upset if he just leaves you for a week!" Somehow her validation was a lot better than some therapists, who made me feel like if I'm abused it's my fault. It's a lot like blaming the rape victim with "But what were you wearing?" My "fault" was trusting that my lover was honest and good. That is how I am to blame. That is how my finger was broken, that is how I got a concussion, that is why I have digestion problems from all the drinking I did on empty stomachs from not knowing if he was alive or dead or what the fuck I was being blamed for that week, and every other week for the majority of my 30s.
I was so much more functional before him. I had thriving friendships. I was still performing on stage. I had community and almost never missed a class or opportunity. I am so angry when I see the obvious downhill direction that happened after meeting him. It's frustrating, to also know that even if I was able to convey this to him, he wouldn't understand or blame himself at all, although I'd get an empty "sorry" the equivalent of a shrug in response to turning my life upside down. Imagine having access to free therapy, having an appointment, and not taking advantage of that. His emotional problems literally resulted in him sleeping in the street and getting in so many fights and losing so many phones and friends and homes... yet he refuses therapy? Maybe he knows a therapist will call him out on his bullshit, and his ego is too fragile.
I've had a variety of therapists but I still seem to be having the same annoying feelings for an entire decade. At least I'm coping better than I did in the past. I made some art last night, did yoga and danced. I haven't been eating actual meals but I have small snacks. I'm overdosing on caffeine and am stoned more than I'd like but I haven't drank. I don't feel like I'm in total despair, even though I'm depressed and never hungry. I'll get myself together. I have no choice. There is no one here to save me, but me.
10:57 a.m. - 2021-01-06