Be nice if I could get closure. But it's not possible, because he'll just give another meaningless apology and do it all over again... So I have to just hope I don't get that lonely, or fall in love with someone else so I won't think about it anymore. But loving again seems like a trap and a lot of pain later that isn't worth the short term pleasure. So I'll just keep talking to everyone even though my heart's not really in it, I guess. Trying to extract friendship and meaning from horny simple beings. The eternal struggle. I'm still in awe, still holding a grudge from autumn. Still angry at both him, and myself for trusting him.
But my ex delivered three months worth of weed last week so it looks like I'll be high till spring. It's not like I have much else to do anyway. Today's menu is sativa with one more coffee than usual, and lion's mane. Let's see what happens. Wee.
When I talk to people now I go blank. I have nothing to talk about, aside from jokes. How is that, when I seem to find so much to write about in here? I guess all the things I want to talk about are things that I wouldn't want to bring up in a casual conversation. No one needs to know how depressed I can be sometimes or how much I hate men. These are the things I don't want to discuss openly. I also compartmentalize my interests and even my values away and out of sight from friends who I think aren't interested in the same things. It's weird. I can certainly be myself, it's just that I know my audience and can anticipate their reaction before I share anything, and it feels like ... pointless. Especially now, when no one can handle anything and everyone's extra judgy, reacting before trying to understand. Meh, it's winter. We're all gonna feel like shit for just a little while longer.
This pandemic is weird because it happened right at milestone adult age that marks the beginning of being officially kind of old. I see it as a big notch on my chronological timeline with everything before it as being my years of travel and celebration and adventure and, now, a period of transition before the next entirely different phase of adult life. And from this point on, I may never again be able to do some of the things I used to. Will we wear masks forever? Is this really just life now? Will I ever be able to dance holding hands in a sweaty crowded room of friends again?
I made a playlist of anything that makes me happy or that I like to sing along with. So, I have to go sing now. Thanks for reading my brain vomit.
2:42 p.m. - 2021-01-05