1. saffron coffee
2. that 3000 people love my history blog that no one in my real life knows about. sharing knowledge makes life meaningful.
3. been sleeping well
4. big windows that let lots of light in
5. i guess i'm glad i live alone.
I'd like to connect with people with more intention, to deliberately connect a little more with consistent, kind, supportive people who aren't always in some kind of giant crisis that they blame everyone else for. I might need to move somewhere low stress and boring where there just isn't much drama. Although ever since that one really abusive relationship a decade ago I've been terrified of social isolation far from home, the sort where someone can hurt you in private and no one can save you and if you flee the chaos you'll find yourself all alone crying with no help for miles. After that I learned the value of having an army of support to back you up when a crazy man invents lies about you just in case anyone finds out he had a felony for hurting a woman...
I have felt safe in quarantine. Even with helicopters circling and looting outside, at least I've been safe in my own home. The worst is when the enemy sleeps in your bed, and you love him.
My pattern that developed after the abusive relationship was that each time I'd see a familiar red flag in a lover, instead of cry and suffer I'd just go out and drink and find fulfillment of needs through other people who would at least temporarily show kindness even if all they wanted from me is sex. No matter where I turn, men have the upper hand in everything, everywhere. And love is a raw deal for most women, with odds stacked against us. But I don't need to fall prey. The same way men use me, I can use them too when necessary. I'm very good at being alone, and I don't need them very much, and that is where I have the upper hand.
It might be nice one day to have a girlfriend. But I haven't yet met someone who could be gentle and patient enough for me not to panic and flee in fear. The assumptions and aggression and lack of communication when my shyness has been viewed as a rejection has left me feeling that all love directed toward me has been more about other people's egos and insecurities, than about actual love.
Real talk.
It's a good thing I enjoy my own company.
One of my suitors joked about me becoming a cat lady in 10 years and I said I hope so. Animals are wonderful companions.
I'm not happy all the time and sometimes it feels like waking up in Groundhog Day every day but I'm still more healthy than I was before quarantine. I'm still doing yoga most days and reading and meditating and eating nutritious food. I'm more functional than when I was partnered and I cry way, way, way, way less.
I want to try to infuse my daily life with more new experiences, to learn a greater variety of things in any way I can to keep my brain from going into a coma. I need to do more and scroll less. These hands and this body is here for a reason. I often forget my brain has a body attached to it. I need to be non neglectful of all the many facets of me, in the same way I'd want someone to love me for all that I am, and not just the fragments of what they understand. I want to profoundly deeply love the parts of myself that no one else understands.
I already find pleasure in reading the books that people who don't read books think are "boring." I think their netflix series are boring, so, we're even. I think I could only be happy dating someone very, very nerdy... But a lot of the people who consider themselves "nerds" don't actually read books and aren't actually educated. They may be smart about video games or sci fi or anime, but, I'm more interested in someone who has read classics and dabbled in philosophy for pleasure, someone curious about all of humanity and not just a 2d cartoon on a computer screen. Someone who can travel in a totally new and different culture and feel comfortable navigating surprises and change and not knowing what will happen next, with a spirit of adventure and an open mind. I've yet to find this.
9:41 a.m. - 2021-01-05